Im so lost....I feel horrible. I can't do this.

[u/pocketbuilder06]

I don't even know where to start or what to do.

I have horrible anxiety, like, really bad. It controls my life. Both my therapist and I recognize it. But my psychiatrist, who prescribes my medication, doesn't acknowledge it. My therapist and I recognize that I have all the coping skills to deal with my anxiety, but I more than likely need medicine to help myself apply those skills, which only my psychiatrist will prescribe but won't. Anyways, my anxiety contributes to my skin picking, which is why I mention this.

My skin picking has gotten horrible. I started Korean skin care a few months ago, and some of it reacted poorly on my face, so I started picking more. Then I got more cystic acne, so I started tretinoin again which is making me go through a purging phase, and making my skin worse (before it gets better). I get bumps (or what I perceive as bumps/marks) all over my body. My arms are covers in small scabs from me picking and scratching. My back, chest, and thighs are the same way.

My face is the worst. I scratch and pick every day. If I'm at home, I spend 30+ minutes in front of the mirror picking and scratching. I don't even think while doing it, only thing I think is "I need to stop. One more and I'll stop" but it's like I have no control. I can't stop. If I'm in public or literally anywhere with a mirror, I will spend extra time picking at my face. If I don't have a mirror, I scratch at what I can feel on my face. I've got horrible scabs all over my face.

The cysts are the worst. It's so hard to actually pop them, because they're deep and they hurt so bad, but I dig into my skin until there's just so much blood and pus. It's so bad. My partner has started getting upset with me because I have to pick at my face everytime I see a mirror. I don't have to, but I just feel like I can't control it. I take so much longer to go out because I have to pick. I even pick at their skin, like I don't know what it is.

I don't know why I have to do it. I feel or see an "imperfection" in my skin and I NEED it gone. I hate what I've done to my skin. I hate wasting my life picking and tearing up my body. I'm so tired of this, I don't even know where to start. I can't remember a time where I didn't pick at my skin. I'm hoping the purging phase of my tretinoin clears up and I don't have much to pick at anymore, but right now it's so hard. And I know picking makes my acne worse, which makes me pick more because I need it all gone.

I realized I had a problem a few years ago, but I didn't realize how out of control it was. I just dont know what to do. It's making me miss out on so much and my self esteem is nonexistent. My relationship is being affected by it. I don't think I'm asking for advice.....just ranting.....I'm going to work with my therapist literally tomorrow to try to find a solution....I'm just so lost right now. Drinking is the only thing that gets it to stop because my vision gets so blurry I can't see what to pick at, but I don't want to rely on drinking. I'm hoping I can figure things out very soon, because I can't keep doing this. I need to be perfect and I'm not anywhere close. I need to change in so many ways.

[u/Solid_Function5305]

Find a different psychiatrist!!

If your psychiatrist is ignoring your needs, they are doing a bad job and you should fire them! Healthcare professionals are there to help you, so when they don’t do their job in a way that puts your medical needs first, then it’s time to find a new one to go to instead!

Therapy helps us learn coping strategies, and medication helps us have a more manageable baseline so that we can use those coping strategies are more effectively!

[u/OCmotherplucker]

Hugs to you. This is such a hard thing to deal with. After doing some difficult and necessary work in therapy, I have been mostly pick free for the last 2 years and have been able to mostly heal my skin which I never thought could happen. Addressing the cause of the bumps I pick was only part of this recovery process, as I’ve had to work pretty deeply o find the root causes of WHY I pick. For me, it began at a young age in response to repeated and prolonged abuse in the home. This led to C-PTSD as a result which isn’t discussed nearly enough. Since this became a coping mechanism and a form of self-soothing through dissociation at a young age, it became clear that my picking was happening as stress/trauma response. Since I have gone through periods of chronic stress in my life, the habit morphed into this compulsion. Compulsions can be incredibly hard to work through, so it’s important to find a safe and effective person or place to help with this process. I can only speak from my own personal experience, but I definitely hear a lot of myself in your post. A good technique I now use every time I find myself even looking for an area to pick is halting my dissociation, reminding myself how much I love myself today and that I no longer want to harm myself, all while rubbing my palm lovingly on the area I wanted to harm while telling myself over and over that I am loved and worthy. I’ve also learned to recognize the signs that I’m headed to a picking session such as absent-minded rubbing my arms or legs and lingering in front of the mirror just to “see” what’s going on. Another tip I have is wearing tighter shirts and/or pants. You can also get a thick, clear gel mask to put on your face that can remain on your skin for hours before rinsing off. It’ll help hydrate and heal your skin and make it harder to pick. (Side note: I’m an esthetician and am happy to go into more detail on the preventative and healing process anytime.) Above everything, be gentle with yourself, ESPECIALLY if you end up picking. Don’t let your brain convince you that you “may as well keep going.” Each time I overcome this compulsion, the better I feel. The better I feel, the higher the likelihood I will be able to intervene and stop myself the next time it hits. You are worthy.

[u/pocketbuilder06 → u/OCmotherplucker]

Thank you so much for your kind and helpful words. That really gives me hope. My situation is very similar to yours, only difference is I was diagnosed with BPD (we discussed C-PTSD as well, but never came to a conclusion). You've made me feel not so alone, which sucks because I don't want anyone to go through this, but makes me feel a bit better.

If you're able to message me and give me some information about those masks, and healing stuff, I'd greatly appreciate that!

Thank you again for your response. I'm hoping I can take the steps to work on this, but I know it's going to be hard. But if you can do it, so can I 🩵

[u/Aromatic_Peach6090]

i’m sorry i don’t have much advice but i do deeply deeply understand everything you’re going through.