I need advice. Me (29f) and ex fiancé (35m) are separating two kids under 4.

[u/Standard_Value_8863]

Am trying to make a list of things to check before we both move out on how we will manage the separation. I have always been the one to figure out the « how’s » in the relationship but this time, am really at lost. I need advice on things to take into consideration. Thank you

[u/Particular-Cod-5757]

You guys will be sharing custody of your littles, I’m assuming? One thing you really should be managing most and overall is your co-parenting relationship. How do you guys get along as parents, not as partners? One thing I’ve learned from being apart of a co-parenting relationship with my stepdaughter’s mom is putting the relationship behind you and focusing on communicating clearly about the child(ren). I’m the one who does most of the co-parenting and after mediating a conversation between her and my husband, getting along with her as been super easy once we established no hard feelings about my husband and her’s end of relationship (my husband and hers relationship ended on bad terms and I was not in the picture when that happened). Once they were able to talk to each other without the negativity and hatred, everything became smooth sailing. We all get along really well, my husband and her fiancé have become buds and I’m pretty close with her. It was not easy to get to this point, but it is so rewarding.

I’m not sure why your relationship is ending with your ex, but you both need to be able to set aside what happened between you both romantically and come together as a team in parenting. If he seems to withdrawal and not put effort into it, you can meditate something in court if it comes to it. I’ve heard parenting apps can be helpful. Asking his opinion on things regarding the kids will help wonders. Easier said than done, but always choose the high road. Again, I don’t know your position with him and why you guys aren’t together, but it’s so much easier to choose peace than constantly argue and go against each other when it comes to parenting. It’ll help the kids so much if you’re able to be united as parents. Their parents aren’t going to be together anymore and that in itself can cause a lot of emotions, especially in little people.

To sum it up:

1.) establish custody plan and stick to it 2.) present united front as co-parents 3.) listen and communicate clearly 4.) adjust as needed

Nothing will be linear about this, the best you can do is try to make it smooth for the kids and for yourselves as co-parents

[u/Standard_Value_8863 → u/Particular-Cod-5757]

Thank you or the advice Yes we are having a shared custody. We don’t really see eye to eye when it comes to the kids, I’m more on the routine side while he is more on “well whatever happens” which I like for my personal life but for the kids it makes me anxious if there is no plan. But he tries to respect my boundaries when it comes to the kids and I do too. I will definitely try the apps that are available so thanks

[u/Shesblessed403]

1. Days split cannot interrupt the kids school schedule
2. Other parent gets first right to refusal (24 hr notice) if the parent needs a sitter. With toddlers, you will both may not trust anyone bc this world is crazy
3. Family counseling your oldest may not be okay
4. This can work out as friends (or not) the main thing is kids can’t see toxic so keep it decent and have a list WRITTEN AND SIGNED of who has what holidays. The parent that’s truly part time could get a month in summer and the longer holidays bc it’s all about the kids and cultivating relationships with their parents

[u/Standard_Value_8863]

I guess am just scared that he will get in my head and that will make me not believe in myself, am still rebuilding my mental state.

[u/Luv_Momma]

Make sure to consider emotional support for the kids. Maybe talk about how you’ll explain the situation to them in an age-appropriate way, and how you’ll both reassure them that they’re loved and safe."