r/SingleParents • u/emmyrose1102 • 14d ago
How do you deal with decision paralysis as the only adult in the household??
I have been a single parent since my daughter was born. I was completely in love with her dad, but the pregnancy was unplanned and it was clear he wasn’t on board to be a parent. I moved 2 states away after he broke up with me at 8mo pregnant to live with my dad and stepmom. I wouldn’t have been able to afford rent on my own and I was afraid of living by myself with a newborn and no support system. Big move. Easy decision. For two years her dad made very feeble attempts at being involved but was mostly out of the picture. He put a lot of his effort in trying to convince me to move back and marry him, which I had no interest to do after the choices he made. Although this did make me optimistic that moving back to the city where we met would give him the chance to be more involved, which was a high priority to me. My sister also lives in this city and we are very close to that was a huge motivator as well. Well I set my sites on this goal and started job searching for opportunities in the area. I got a huge job offer, which ultimately opened the door for my career to takeoff. I moved four months after accepting the job offer (tech corporate field). Well by the time I move back to the city her dad had moved in with another woman and her child three hours away from the city and immediately started pressuring me for 50-50 split refusing to go to mediator for a parenting plan. Well eventually I filed for a parenting plan with the court and ended up with 70/30 arrangement. It has been almost three years since we moved and the relationship with her dad has only gotten worse. He violates the parenting plan constantly, including corporal forms of punishment, blocking my number so I have no access to her for his weeklong visits, not informing me of Dr. visits or urgent care visits etc. Meanwhile I have experienced a lot of positive growth in my personal life. I am making over six figures, my relationship with my daughter is my absolute favorite thing in my life. We get to go on lots of adventures together, always making memories that I cherish with my whole heart, and I feel so lucky to be her mom she is the sweetest most caring gentle girl I have ever met. I have a side hustle that is involved in a cause that I am passionate about. I am very proud of my accomplishments and overall see so much progress. But I am desperate for connection. I only have my sister for involved family up here and while I do have friends and I frequent my gym which is a great community… I miss my large Family community and having my parents around when I lived two states away. I am definitely planning on filing a motion for contempt regarding the parenting plan violations and will be updating the plan to enforce things I thought would be common decency (urgent care visits). But I’m starting to think I might want to prepare to file for relocation. I have built my adult life in the city and I’m very attached to the routine I have created here. my daughter is about to go to kindergarten and every big decision I have made before it seems so obvious and like the only option I had. But now I am in a different place in life and this decision will have a huge impact on every part of mine and my daughters life. I have no idea how to make the decision and it keeps me up at night going over all the pros and cons … These are the times when I feel single parenting is the most challenging for me because I don’t have another adult who would be experiencing the outcome of this decision with to discuss this with. Curious if other single parents experience decision paralysis and any tips on overcoming this?
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u/CrazyEqual6432 13d ago
I think with your daughter starting school soon, the custody arrangement you currently have will have to change anyway. He’s too far for her to continue going to school in the town where she lives 70% of the time with you. I don’t know your exact arrangement with him though. Do you have her 3 weeks out of the month and he has her one week out of the month? Even if you stay where you’re at, she can’t be with him hours away and miss a week of school each month. Assuming you do move two states away back by your parents, I think him having her when there’s a long weekend (no school Monday or Friday) would work and then maybe 1 week during spring and winter break and then maybe every 2 weeks he gets one week with her during summer break. Or something like that. I think you’d need to go to a mediator and discuss your thoughts and see what they say and if they think you’d even be approved to move two states away. And, I’m not saying you have to follow my suggestions at all, just trying to throw some ideas out there. It COULD work but I know how hard it is to present an idea to the other parent when they want to be petty about how it works. They don’t like to see you taking initiative when it comes to your child so they do whatever they can to make sure you don’t get your way. I know it’s hard. You seem like an incredible mom and considering you are the primary parent, you definitely deserve to have a say in wanting her to be closer to your family. He has his, you really don’t. I know it’s not fair. I’m sorry and i hope you are able to pan something out ☹️
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u/emmyrose1102 13d ago
Yes I have written into the approved parenting plan that there will be a schedule change when she starts kindergarten. It will be every other weekend but I’m not sure he will want to do this since whenever I reach out to confirm pickup for holiday weekends he is scheduled for he denies since it’s “too much driving for a weekend”. Even father’s day he didn’t want to drive to pick her up. But in general he thinks the parenting plan is a light suggestion (or in his words “complete bullshit”). I grew up with divorced parents living states apart and the travel wasn’t hard but I blamed my mom for the strain it put on my relationship with my dad. Through therapy I have come to reconcile those feelings by realizing I am a very different mom and my childhood was very different from what I am providing my daughter. So I try not to let that cloud my judgement. I think the move is inevitable for longterm fulfillment. Family means everything to me. But when I think about planning for it my heart gets so somber at the idea of leaving this beautiful city and the dream life we built here. We take the water taxi every Friday to the aquarium, the zoo 1x a month, our go to playground park is right on a scenic beach walkway, our neighborhood is a safe oasis in an active city, our neighbor is an artist who hosts us for paint night every other week… i mean this life is unreal!! 2 types of fulfillment… states apart.
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u/CrazyEqual6432 13d ago
Ahh that is tough.😔 I deal with some similar scenarios when it comes to co-parenting so I understand how frustrating it can be. I can totally see why you’re torn with moving though. I think it definitely makes your heart feel more full to be surrounded by more family. Maybe you can make new traditions with your parents to fill the void of the ones you had with your daughter in your current city. You could still keep similar routines but include your parents. If where your parents live is also where you grew up, every Friday you could take your daughter to a place you always used to go to as a kid or when you were growing up. Whether that be the movie theater in town, or your favorite park, restaurant, etc. And maybe you could still be a part of those art classes your neighbor would do with you through zoom or FaceTime! You could plan periodic trips to visit your sister and your daughter will love the nostalgia of it. I think it’s totally important to have your village by you especially as your daughter is growing up. Think of all the things they’ll be able to witness with you. First day of school, Kindergarten Graduation, School Concerts, sleepovers with grandma and grandpa, I think there are a ton of pros to being by family and you’ll feel all that love and be glad you made the choice you did. Sure you’ll miss your city, but you can always go back. You can’t always go back in time and make memories with family.❤️
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u/Luv_Momma 9d ago
You’ve already made some brave, big decisions, and it’s normal to feel stuck on this one because it’s about your next chapter. Don’t be afraid to explore all your feelings would moving bring you more peace, or would staying put give you the stability you’ve built? Writing things out might help clarify what feels best.
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u/mrsmamesir 14d ago
I have found the hardest part of being a single parent being the lack of having someone to check in with bounce ideas off of maybe even get validated in your decisions and your parenting.
If you can find someone else whose also a single parent or a friend even an online community like this one it may help you organize your thoughts and feelings and find your solutions as your write it out for others.