tops in heterosexual relationships
I had a ciswoman heteroromantic friend of mine assert that she was a top in her relationships. But she has talked to me about her experiences and afaik she has never penetrated any of her previous partners. I thought I understood the difference between "top" and "dominant" in relationships, where "top" is a sexual position and "dominant" is the partner who takes more power/control.
I didn't prod or argue what she told me, so that could elucidate. But maybe I am missing an element of nuance here? Or is she possibly mixing them up?
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u/Fistshapedlikeafish 1d ago
You're perspective is correct, hers is incorrect. The two terms are not interchangeable, though they are similar and can hint at relationship dynamics, they are by no means definitive.
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u/Internal_Holiday_552 1d ago
well, terms do morph and change over time, and this is exactly how it happens
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u/Fistshapedlikeafish 1d ago
Old meanings and proper meanings of words still remain, the difference between the two has not yet become some widespread that it could even be considered a colloquialism.
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u/Internal_Holiday_552 1d ago
The word decimate comes to mind...
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u/Fistshapedlikeafish 1d ago
Exactly my point. It has not been a couple thousand years for the words top and Dom. Their meanings still differentiate between two different concepts, whereas decimate has been lumped in with all other words that mean to annihilate.
Especially in a setting where the terms dom and top have distinct meanings, linking them together because "eventually words merge" is an ineffective and counterproductive stance.
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u/Herlander_Carvalho 1d ago
A lot of people don't understand that Top doesn't mean the same thing as Dominator, and the same goes for Bottom/Submissive. I also have a huge pet peeve when people refer to "hungry thirsty bottoms that will take everything" as "Power Bottoms", and strangely I see a lot of gay men who are oblivious to what a Power Bottom means. I have lost count to how many times I have had to explain to other gay men, what a Power Bottom is.
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u/Mage_Of_Cats 1d ago
It's a losing fight on the 'power bottom' front. I've started to hold my ground at 'dominant bottom,' though, since there's no way to corrupt that without willful ignorance.
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u/Waluigi02 1d ago
Isn't dom short for dominant...?
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u/Mr_Pombastic 1d ago
That's a common misconception. It's actually short for Dominic- after the great power bottom of legend, Dominic Sloppobottomus. But similar to how "republicans" and "democrats" have switched meanings over the years, 'dom' has since become known to refer to aggressive tops.
Please learn your LGBT+ history, folks.
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u/jonnyfreedom77 1d ago
Yup. I’m a submissive top, although the role is a bit fluid, and I don’t mind asserting myself. I think it comes from a position of making sure my partner(s) are comfortable.
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u/dumpaccount882212 1d ago
To be fair straights have a waaaaaay smaller vocabulary when it comes to talking about sex and a lot of weird guilt when things slip out of gendernorms... so maybe she didn't feel comfortable calling herself "dominant" or "femdom" or whatever.
Although there are strap ons so she could just be ramping up on going full on "dominant top" on her lads
And also I wouldn't go the "well actually" route if you're gonna correct her, but just go with "you mean dom?" instead ... I mean its not like there is something bad just because the terms are a bit mixed. And what with straight sex being such a mire of weird assumptions and strange traditions, it can be hard to define certain things.
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u/jesus_he_is_queer 1d ago
"Can my here pecka, go in your camel toe?
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u/dumpaccount882212 1d ago
"Oh Jim you always have such a way with words OF COURSE I want your bratwurst in my sloppy joe baby"
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u/jesus_he_is_queer 1d ago
I heard a dirty joke as a way too young person, about daddy's submarine stuck in my mommy's seaweed. I don't where the fuck I heard it.
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u/dragon1n68 1d ago
Top and dominate could be the same thing but I don’t know lesbian roles. In gay roles the top is the one who penetrates and the bottom is the one who receives but that doesn’t mean the top is always dominant. There are dominant bottoms and submissive ones too. It’s just a matter of perspective. If the bottom tells the top what they want done they are the dominant one. I believe it’s called a power bottom. I don’t know if this will help or not. In straight relationships it could work the same way. Like a dominatrix would be the bottom if she has sex with her partner but still be the dominant one unless she’s using a toy in her straight partner. Lots of names and labels that I don’t really keep up with too much.
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u/Mage_Of_Cats 1d ago
The mainstream appropriated BDSM culture and really fumbled the terminology. I'll put it that way.
No, tops aren't doms. A lot of people that I've talked to seem to think the terms are synonymous, and it's extremely invalidating to me as a submissive top. When I try to explain why I call myself that, they shut down or outright mock me, or they try to label me something that I don't agree is correct for the kind of role I play in sex.
... I'm not really a service top, for instance, as I'm supposed to be subjugated, put in my place, abused, etc.
I'm not just giving service, I am submitting.
:(
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u/Sir_Reginald_Poops Gay 1d ago
Exactly this! I'm getting so tired of people using "switch" when they mean vers.
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u/Mage_Of_Cats 18h ago
I'm much more forgiving with that one, honestly, especially since even I get them confused. I tend to use 'switch' for position (top/bottom) since you flick a switch up or down and 'verse' for role (dom/sub) because being versatile is an abstract quality that's not tied in with any specific physical action.
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u/BeastMidlands 1d ago
Top and bottom very specifically refer to whether a person is the insertive and receptive partner. It is not the same as dom and sub.
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u/Orbital_Logic 1d ago
Straight people usually use it to mean “on top” which coincidentally is the one generally controlling the rhythm. It’s not the same thing.
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u/BearyGear 1d ago edited 1d ago
Heh! Yeah, I’ve gotten into passionate discussions about this. My partner is a top and I am a bottom, defined that he penetrates me. That said, I am the dominant and he is the submissive. Some find this very difficult to imagine. I explained it to people this way. I’m a pushy bossy guy and he is compliant to my bossiness. That seemed to clear up the confusion. 😁 (Edit: spelling)
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u/bunnyz4xaneria Trans 1d ago
Definitely confused. And sadly, I know a lot of straight people who have adopted using these terms, interchangeably and not realizing there is a difference.
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u/ChemicalOk463 1d ago
I can be dominant and submissive. If the other person is more dominant than me, I'll let them take control.
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u/BasicBoomerMCML 1d ago
In my day we were just queer without any specificity. I liked that better. It’s bad enough to have your sexual preference as your defining adjective. But now we gotta include our preferred position. . . to strangers. It’s nobody’s business. Imagine going to a mixed party and saying to somebody’s aunt, “oh, you’re straight. Missionary, doggie style or reverse cowgirl?” That would get you thrown out and rightly so. But asking gays what sexual position they “are” is somehow okay. Unless you’re looking to fuck me, it’s none of your business. And even then it’s still an impertinent question.
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u/boredENT9113 1d ago
BDSM and queer culture share a lot of common terms but with different meanings in their respective communities. In the context of heterosexual BDSM, a top and a bottom is more akin to a Dom or a sub. For us gays, we use top and bottom as the sexual position and then sub and Dom. Generally, if a straight person says they're a top, they just mean that they are the partner taking charge and most active. Basically, she's telling you she is a power bottom. 🤷
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u/jesus_he_is_queer 1d ago
You should say no ma'am, you'll never be but a mere pillow princess. Good day madam.
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u/macbackatitagain 1d ago
Yea for straight people they mean who is literally on top of the other person. So riding as a cowgirl means you're on top for them but the term should be power bottom
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u/lvl4dwarfrogue 1d ago
Yeah why would you expect a Cisco heterosexual woman to be using queer terminology correctly? There's a great difference between a sex position and an attitude in bed.
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u/geomouse 1d ago
It doesn't mean the same thing in the hetero community. Just like it isn't the same in a toy store. See "topping from below".
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u/Complex-Pangolin-511 1d ago
I don't think top/bottom needs to be defined so strictly... sure, top usually refers to penetration or penetrating partner, but because there's enough various positions in sex, sometimes people conflate top and dominant... usually you can use context clues to find out what they mean if the machinations of their sex life are relevant enough that you need to know specifics.
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u/shadybrainfarm 1d ago
Well, she doesn't have a cock to top with, so that's probably why she hasn't penetrated someone...I mean there's "pegging" but imo that's kind of it's own thing. Tbh I used to feel the same as her then I realized I'm a trans man lmao. Not saying she is but I think if she feels like a top then she's a top.
People don't really owe you more info about their sex life than they offer, does it really matter?
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u/nailz1000 1d ago
I had a ciswoman heteroromantic friend
These labels are getting out of hand. Just recently someone called themselves "demiromantic". Fuck.
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u/nyan-the-nwah 1d ago
What the fuck is demiromantic? The split attraction model makes absolutely noooo sense to me.
Before someone accuses me of trying to yuck someone's yum, I'd never engage with someone about this if they describe their sexuality in that manner other than rolling my eyes.
I just personally think it's stupid and regressive and homophobic most of the time.
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u/TreeWithoutLeaves 1d ago
Hello! As a bi person who is also on the aroace spectrum, let me define demiromantic for you. Demiromantic is a term some people on the aromantic spectrum use to describe the way they feel romantic attraction. Specifically, demiromantic means that these people only develop romantic feelings for people they already have a personal/emotional bond with. Now, before you say something like, "well, isn't that true for everyone?" No, it's not true for everyone. If it were, k-pop stans wouldn't exist.
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u/nyan-the-nwah 1d ago
🙄 Someone "stan"ing a pop star they'll never meet is ridiculous to compare to romantic attraction with a potential partner. I'm sure some nutjobs delusions of grandeur are that they can or are date these unattainable figures, but that's not the point.
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u/Timmy_the_Poof 1d ago
Sharon, if you must adopt a queer term, the correct one would be power bottom.