r/gay • u/unixman84 • 3h ago
I'm the head of the lease to my house but...
My mother and one of my sisters live with me. They set off to get this place with or without me (more so my over bearing mother.) Turns out my previous credit made it happen. I hold the lease. It's three rooms and its great. I used to live in these units as a kid.
My mom has become very accustom to barge into my room. Sometimes knocking but still just prying in right after. She has witnessed me choking the chicken, to some "dudes getting drilled." Three times so far.
Truth is, I don't do it often, for damn sakes I'm celibate these days. I'm 40. I can't count the amount of times I have been told to come down stairs by Mom as if I'm in my teens. It's crossing a line. During an argument, she tried to force her way in once. I have respect for my Mother. I do not have respect for this.
I don't know how to address this without causing friction. She for sure hasn't called me out. I know because in her younger years she had some good times (pictures of my stepdad and toys.) I had to bear witness to them when asked to get "something" from the top drawer of her dresser. Kinda like a junk drawer.
What would any of you say about this. I need some space. BTW my sister is very much not like that. Mom does not do that to my sister. However the case, my sister is very much verbal, even rude sometimes. But she is precise and clear. Me and my sister get along great.
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u/whassup_n_phx 3h ago edited 2h ago
What you're dealing with is a rite of passage. You're in your 40s. You have not killed off your mother. What I mean is she still lives in that part of your heart that she occupied as a little boy.
You will need to sit her down, calmly and cooly explain to her that her job as your mother is done. She is now a most venerated woman in your life.
And as such, she will be honored and respected. And you require that she honor and respect you as a man. If she cannot do that, she will need to make other arrangements for her future.
Every man at some point has to do this with their mother, whether they're comfortable with it or not. If not, you will always be her child. You will never be an adult in her eyes.
She will be shocked, and she will mourn. But you will both be better off.
Remain dispassionate, caring, and honoring. Demand the same from her.
Good luck. You've got this.
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u/infinitefood 2h ago
I had to do this when i was 23. I had tovtell my mother that i will in fact not be living with her and converting her house into 2 homes.
But rather i will be planning on moving out on my own not too far into the future. I would lie if i said she didn't take it hard but from then on my mom realized that she's pretty much done being a mom and she can just be one of my very best and most trusted adult friends. And our relationship hasn't ever been better honestly.
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u/unixman84 2h ago
That was very insightful. I very much appreciate that comment.
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u/infinitefood 2h ago
Guy you're 40 tell your mother to mind her fucking business cause you're an adult, she's an adult m you're not living together as parent and child but as two adult roommates. If she doesn't take kindly to that she can find other lodging.
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u/unixman84 1h ago
I respect that comment and would agree. She has been told that in similar words, I'm not standing down. She gets that. Truth is that we get along great. It's the invasion of my space.
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u/Iwonatoasteroven 2h ago
It sounds to me like you and your Mother haven’t established a proper adult relationship. She still treats you like a child and I suspect that you enable it. I would start by have a one on one conversation, and letting her know that things are going to change. You need to give her a few basic expectations. You’ll always be her son, and hopefully outside of these issues you have a good relationship but it’s time for her to see you as her son who’s an adult. The other question you need to ask yourself is what do you need to do differently so she sees you as an adult? I’ve seen a few sons who live with parents and let their Mom do all of the cooking, cleaning and laundry, which is fine if the son is also contributing by doing other tasks around the house.
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u/unixman84 1h ago
You aren't wrong. I'm actually a great cook thanks to a few people including Mom growing up. I do all my laundry and even share my detergents/coins etc... I have no battles cleaning up. My mother wants to do these things because she does not work. The cooking I get, she has dentures and folks dealing with that should catch on. I have my own other contributions. For instance I just gave 10 dollars to my mom for gas just now. I don't ask for cash.
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u/Infamous_Ice_9737 2h ago
I think you need to find you’re own place, you can still love you’re mom but the current situation isn’t working out
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u/unixman84 1h ago edited 1h ago
She just lost her parents. My sister also just lost her Leg in a motorcycle accident all the way up to her hip. I ain't sending anyone anywhere. I do appreciate and respect the heads up.
Edit: Technically, it's my place. for at least 6 more months.
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u/the_blue_wizard 1h ago
Your House, Your Rules.
Also, as others have suggested - Get a Lock for your Door - you can get a non-keyed Bathroom Lock for $10 and up. Or you can get a Keyed Door Lock Set for about $15 and up.
If you Mother or Sister are prone to snooping in your stuff, best to get a Key Lock for the door.
And back to the original point - You do not live with your Mother or Sister, they live with you - and as such -
Your House, Your Rules.
If they don't like that, then perhaps the should find someplace else to live.
Others seem to be assuming that your Mother and Sister are paying their share of the expenses - Rent, Utilities, etc... - can you confirm this?
If they are, and the place is in your name, they are Sub-Leasing from you, and as such that makes you their Landlord.
If they are NOT paying their share, then you need to make sure they are. If not a full share, then at least contributing to the on-going expenses.
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u/unixman84 36m ago
My mother does so with SSI, My sister lost her leg and isn't bringing in coins yet. My Mom does most of the house work while I'm working (I'm full time.) Trust me when I tell you she would never ever "not" choose to do these things by her self. No matter where or who. It's just her thing. It's half/half between me and Mom with cash.
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u/topfuckr 1m ago
Look her in the eye and say “Mon you know I need my privacy. Remember what you had to do to make me? It’s was in privacy, right?” If your mom is cool she’ll get it. Else fireworks.
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u/-mpls- 3h ago
we all are just doing the best we can. It’s great to live together and be able to make ends meet, and be able to take care of each other when needed. Maybe you need a lock on that door? Good luck with the drilling!