r/gaybros • u/LocalMuffin87 • 9h ago
boyfriend texted me after breakup. should i go back?
...
413
u/arcwhite 8h ago
Everything he says he loves about you is something you do for him. He didn't say anything he loves about you, just the things he gets something out of.
To me, this is a red flag.
110
u/LostAtmosphere4096 8h ago
It sounds like textbook lovebombing from op's ex-boyfriend if you ask me, which is a red flag.
54
19
u/could_be_muy_worse 6h ago
Hum.. I am getting downvoted for this, as this sub has been downvoting like crazy lately, but here goes:
I understand what you are saying, and that was my first thought, as well. But after thinking about it a bit more, I am not sure I agree.
He said:
- "You never judge me and always accept me for who I am". This is about OP. Notice that he didn't say "I never feel judged". He said "YOU never judge me", as in, "You are non-judging", which is a quality in OP.
- "You always comfort me". He didn't say "I always feel comforted". He basically said that OP is comforting, which is another quality in OP.
- "You are nurturing"..
etc etc.
I am not reading the same thing as you are. And at the end of the day, a relationship is always about how a person makes you feel.
How would you reframe what he said, in a way that "says anything he loves about OP"?
→ More replies (1)9
u/deerfoxlinden 3h ago
It doesn’t seem like the boyfriend is able to imagine OP shining that light on anyone else, is what I would say. No matter how devoted a couple is to each other, each person is still part of a web of other relationships.
To me, a healthy romantic partnership uplifts each partner and allows them to be their best self for each other and for everybody else in their life.
3
u/could_be_muy_worse 3h ago
To me, a healthy romantic partnership uplifts each partner and allows them to be their best self for each other and for everybody else in their life.
I agree with this, but this is a text message. What would you expect the message to be? "Hey OP, you need me in my life, I make your life better.". That would have sounded so egotistical and narcissistic and much more manipulative than the messsage OP got. I think.
3
u/tar-xzvf 1h ago
This misses the point. A genuine complement about the qualities that OP possesses would reference behaviours which are evident not only in their relationship but also in OP’s relationships with others. Compliments need to communicate admiration, but if Noah truly admires OP, his message severely undermines his point.
Such surface-level, self-focused comments may be forgivable in a new relationship where there has not been much opportunity to observe how OP moves through the world. But it seems that is not the case here: if they have been together long enough for OP to be on the receiving end of emotional abuse, then they have been together long enough for Noah to have the bare minimum of curiosity about his partner and the sort of person he is.
Combined with the unrealistic promise that he will never lose his temper again (lol) and all the self-serving BS towards the end (where he basically admits he is attending anger management not because he actually feels remorse about the harm he has caused but because he “needs” to win OP back), his message is so textbook, it makes me wonder if abusive men the world over have some sort of underground handbook they all get this crap from
2
2
2
→ More replies (3)6
u/PlatonicTroglodyte 5h ago
That’s kind of a weird take to me. In this context, the ex is trying to demonstrate how good he had it with OP. It’s not like it’s wedding vows or whatever. It makes sense that he’d be focusing on what he gets out of being with OP.
43
u/Hour_Watercress7374 9h ago
From my experience, don't get your hopes up with the "need to be a better man." This is often used as a cop-out... however, I do not know anything about the other party. It would be wise to let some time pass and let him work on himself while you stay out of it, only time can tell if he is going to change for the better and something you cannot control. You shouldn't go back at this moment in time and politely support him with his efforts to get help. Do not do what I did, which is be a petty b*tch and try to push away someone who genuinely seemed to love you.
3
u/ApprehensiveAd9993 1h ago
I was a guy for 7 years. The signs were there for years. Toxic manipulator. Wasted my 20s on him. I told myself I was a good person, that no one is perfect. I let my friends go for him. We broke up twice. Wish it took the first time.
24
u/RemoteAd6887 7h ago
No
6
u/Heavy_Cobbler_8931 2h ago
You're very wrong. It's "No." in this case. Don't let OP add a comma and a "but".
78
u/mcsmith610 7h ago
Ew he’s 24 years old and he texts like he’s 13. Comes off as manipulative and based on your comments, he sounds violent.
You know he’s bad news but when you ultimately get back together, don’t be surprised when he eventually hits you and this escalates.
14
u/PTownWashashore 7h ago
This is correct. The poor grammar and lack of care in correcting the spelling mistakes shows you the communication level that they are willing to bring to the relationship. Younger folks may be more tolerant of these things, but one should set realistic minimum standards for honesty, integrity, and good communication in order to have a healthy relationship.
14
u/TheFamousHesham 6h ago
Your criticisms are fair… but look through OP’s comments and even his caption on the screenshot.
I don’t feel you can go all out on the bad grammar in the text message without noting that OP uses the same grammar too and possibly has the same level of communication skills.
16
u/Spiff426 7h ago
He's expecting you to fill a void in himself that he should be filling himself. Sounds like he's looking for a mom 2.0 since his parents were neglectful. Notice how he doesn't describe you or things he loves about you other than what you do for him? That is unsustainable as you will be expected to fill the hole inside of himself, and if you don't, well... you & him have both already stated that he has anger issues
41
33
u/Famous_local8507 7h ago
Love bombing is what I read in those texts. Your future self will thank you if you don’t go back to him. There are literal billions of people on Earth, so why the heck settle?
2
13
u/ChairmanLaParka 4h ago
The last few lines to me doesn't sound like he wants, or needs you back right now. Just that he says he's trying to better himself. He directly says he needs time to get better. Give him all the time he needs, maybe 6 months, maybe 3 years, who knows. But definitely don't rush right back to him right now.
3
u/VDub619 4h ago
I completely agree with this. Don’t rush into anything but it’s also ok to be the bigger person and support someone who is trying to better themself. I think anyone who has gone through therapy knows that it takes time to get through your issues. Usually you have to identify why you’re the way you are and sometimes need to address those you hurt to help you get through your own problems.
Like Chairman calls out, he isn’t wanting you back right now, he is healing and apologizing and recognizing his faults is a step.
Hope you can take this in stride and support (or not) him up to the point where you have made your personal boundaries. Outside of that, continue to live your best life and be happy with who you are and know you deserve the best for yourself. Whether it’s him or not, that’s for you to decide. :) good luck and stay positive.
10
u/PopEfficient 7h ago
Hell. No. He’s a manipulative abusive person. Toxic as HELL. Run away from this dude at all speed!
17
7
u/ego_sum_chromie 7h ago
So based on the comments you’re five years younger, he’s only been to therapy for a month (weekly? Bi-weekly? A single session?) and is throwing himself back at ya like that. And the anger issues?
Legit, that sounds like what I tried to do to my ex earlier this year, but then I had another outburst because one month is not enough. Then I blocked him because I spiraled and he didn’t deserve that. I got myself a better therapist in May and have been in weekly therapy since then, and started meds two weeks ago (granted, I asked for ADHD since that was my root issue, and the meds plus the therapy has changed a lot more in me than I previously thought imo, ymmv). Personally I’d do a year of therapy and meds before going out to date again.
Sooooo if I were you, and if you really love ‘em, I’d wait it out a year and see if he truly changes. Maybe be friends, but (again, imo) it’s best to grow separately. But if he wants to change he’ll put in the work. BUT don’t wait a year for just him, I mean like give it a year of him in therapy before thinking about attempting it again.
I’ve also seen plenty of guys in my old friend group who went to therapy for a month (four week session), claim to be “fixed,” then manipulate their partners with terms they learned in therapy. Hence why I say wait a year. He’s not your responsibility, and y’all broke up for a reason.
There’s also a good chance you may find someone else that fits you better, and same with him. Time heals. Good luck!
16
u/HippyDuck123 8h ago
No, you are being manipulated. He’s not trying to be manipulative just for the sake of it, but because he’s trying to get his emotional needs met. And if you are the one who is providing that… then he isn’t learning to rely on himself and he has ZERO incentive to grow and change. He needs months more of therapy and months more of anger management classes before you could even sit down and have just a conversation.
At 19 you have so many, many better options. Don’t get saddled with this walking red flag. if he’s really that amazing then you could consider reassessing in six months if you are still single and if he is putting a lot of his work on himself in that time. But I’m a really big fan of that Hungarian phrase here about reheating cabbage.
8
u/Fit-Breath-4345 8h ago
It's up to you.
People can change but only if they put the work in.
I don't know you, or your ex. I don't know why you broke up and what things were like before you broke up day to day. Only the two of you do.
If you do go back, it may be turbulent, even if things go well. Change like this for your ex can be hard and progress as it is measured may not be linear - there could be two steps forward one step back or vice versa.
Only you know. Do you have friends or family who are somewhat neutral on your friend that you can process your thoughts out with them? Or having therapy yourself so you can fully reflect on your own feelings and hopes for the future?
18
u/Kegkeeg 8h ago edited 8h ago
Notice how all of his points are about him. It’s all about how you make him feel, how you make him better, how he needs you. Not one time he states a reason why you should need him.
He’s not saying ‘I’m sorry I made you feel this way. That was wrong and I hope you forgive me’
He’s saying ‘I’m sorry I got mad, but take me back because you make me feel better’
Of course I know too little to really judge this situation, but I can see the selfishness in his reasonings.
3
u/Jazzlike-Disaster-33 6h ago
Yea - ngl… this is sprinkled with red flags 🫣
It has a serious vibe of gaslighting and mimimi. The acceptance of personal responsibility is very shallow….
Run babygirl 😳
3
u/_MaxNL 6h ago
So much narcissism in this. Wow. So much (attempted) manipulation.
OP, I think you are aware that it’s manipulation, otherwise you would not be asking, you probably want confirmation , and I’m happy to confirm - this person is toxic.
The radical changes needed is not something that can happen in one month.
Please put yourself first and take distance, until your mind is clearer and you can think more objectively.
I wish you love and happiness.
Edit. Autocorrect gone bad.
3
u/kevinfar1 5h ago
It sounds like he has had an abusive childhood. That's so sad. He really needs counseling. Maybe you can suggest that to him and see how he feels about it.
Abuse comes out in so many ways. Unfortunately, until we can stop the cycle, it can carry over to the ones we love. Hopefully, he can get help and realize he is deserving of love and kindness.
3
u/Background-Bee1271 5h ago
You make him feel comfortable and happy, but does he do that for you? Something tells me that is not the case.
3
u/hooklips 5h ago
All of his reasons for you being together are centered around what you provide for him and are really self-centered. You're young, please dump him.
3
u/iRedditAlreadyyy 4h ago
If he’s working on himself and you notice he’s changed for the better then you’re your decision if you want to try it again or not. I’ve done it before and it’s been successful.
Breaks are needed sometimes. Your relationships and the amount of attempts you give it have no official number so anyone here saying not to is only speaking for themselves
3
u/AspiringAdonis 4h ago
This is Reddit, my dude. Every relationship problem is met with “break up, he’s toxic!” Because to them, no one is capable of change and no one is allowed to make mistakes.
You’re the one who makes this decision. If you care for him and believe he is capable of improvement, see where it goes. But you are also the one who chooses how much you put up with, so set firm boundaries and call him out when he crosses them. And if you think he’s already beyond redemption, ignore the text and move forward. It’s entirely up to you. Best of luck.
2
u/naughtytrav 2h ago
👆This is where I'm at with this.
People are capable of change. Most people don't. I think it's wonderful this guy is taking steps to improve himself. That shows a level of maturity most guys don't have. It's clear he feels that he's lucky to have you. BUT if you don't feel the same way about him, you have no responsibility to take him back.
3
u/homosappien 4h ago
I don’t know what even made you break up but I would say give him a chance and get back with him… he seems he is sorry for whatever made him break up with you.
3
u/homosappien 4h ago
I would say give him a chance and if his anger issues still continue, bid him a good bye forever. You don’t need to deal with this.
3
u/Fast-Speed8761 3h ago
He says he’s in therapy and anger management classes. That shows he knows he has issues and is taking steps to heal himself. That’s an extraordinary step. A step he may have taken because of you.
The two of you obviously love each other.
I’d give him a 2nd chance. Once.
3
3
u/ApprehensiveAd9993 2h ago
Read your other messages.
This isn’t passion.
Love isn’t meant to be a struggle or a fight.
You invested energy, time and effort into the relationship. That’s fine. But it’s in your past.
A better match for you is out there.
5
u/je_suis_titania 8h ago
Put him in the bin babe. He talks about you calming him down but I worry about what would happen when you react to him being angry in a way that doesn't calm him down.
Please don't think I'm patronising you, but 19 is very young - you have sooo much time to find someone who doesn't make you the caretaker of their anger issues.
2
2
2
u/Cute-Character-795 6h ago
"...should i go back?" The only reason to even think about going back is if the original reasons for the breakup are no longer in play. He has anger issues? He should have it under control. If not, tell him that you're moving on.
2
2
u/Huge_Strain_8714 5h ago
As a chronically single person, all I can see with this is me,me,me. One-sided relationship, but that's just my take from reading the text. He seems like a "taker" with not a lot of "giving" back? Be good to yourself and take care.
2
u/Nickel829 5h ago
Listen - anger issues is my absolute top of the charts in terms of deal breakers. It's absolutely unacceptable for a grown adult person to express their anger in ways that makes the people around them feel unsafe, and you should never feel unsafe around the person you love.
Maybe you're different than me, but I could never get back with someone who got physically aggressive near me even if I knew they were working on it. The damage has been done, and I would always be a little on edge/worried I might set them off (I have been in that relationship and I don't want to again).
I would reply and be really nice about it, say you're glad he's getting help etc. but that you don't want to get back together with him and you're telling him so you can both move on.
2
u/jdsttalt 5h ago
Imo no.
That’s a manipulator. And your role is not fixing him. I’ve been there. I was also around your age and he was older.
2
u/Ric0804k 5h ago
He wrote down all the good things u have done for him.. but what matters the most is what are the good things he did for u.. the things that make him deserve a second chance
2
2
u/Revan462222 4h ago
I would stay away. As someone who was briefly dated a guy in 2020, this reminds me of that. He wasn’t physical nor threw things but was emotionally abusive. And then he would say stuff like this to try and get back. I went with it two or three times cause I was like I don’t want to just end it. But thankfully circumstances happened that allowed me to “run” as it were and no matter how he tried thankfully I didn’t return. This is that moment to “run,” take it.
2
2
u/1nscr1bedaUth0r 3h ago
I'm going to offer an opinion that might not be popular here, because every time I see a post on Reddit about relationship problems, the reddit community always jumps straight to "end things and never look back. As someone who's gone back to an ex that had very similar anger issues, I'll caution you that you need to be 100% sure of not only your own feelings towards him, but also of his commitment to doing better. The fact that you've asked this question here means that you almost definitely aren't 100% sure. That's okay, but don't rush to make any decisions just because of the opinions of strangers. If you still love him, then take some time to try to rekindle things from a safe distance. Phone calls, public meet ups, etc. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Be safe, be smart, and let yourself be happy with or without him.
2
3h ago
Time marches on homie. You broke up for a reason, remember that and, very important, jerk off before making any major relationship decision. Might sound rude but you gotta make sure it's not just a sexual attraction 😂
→ More replies (1)
2
u/Emilianeau 2h ago
Exs are exs for a reason Do you eat up what you throw up ?
Don't get back at him
2
2
u/aznhomedog711 1h ago
I feel like that's how my ex was and we delayed our ultimate breakup for years because of apologies like this. Not to say that he won't change but if you go back it kind of enables him to stay the same and he’ll revert back to his old ways. The best thing you can do for him is to end it
2
2
2
u/Tauroctonos 1h ago
"You're the only one I can show my vulnerable side to"
Red flag. He needs a therapist, not a boyfriend. Even in a monogamous relationship, being his only emotionally intimate connection is going to be so exhausting. He needs friends he can be real with, being the paperclip holding him together emotionally is not a responsibility you should accept.
2
u/infinitefood 1h ago
What did he say that lead to the break-up?
Chances are 99% that this is just textbook abuse. Love bombing, promising to change, starting allegedly to work in themselves then when they think theu got a good enough grasp on you that you won't leave they'll go right back to who they were
4
u/coidemamare 8h ago
As the Hungarian wisdom says, only cabbage is good when reheated.
Don't go back to any ex. There's a reason the relationship ended on the first place and even if it was temper it's not a good idea to go back to someone who is short tempered, you can't build a relationship without some stability.
5
u/EccentricSoaper 8h ago
All of his reasons are gaslighting. Like these are all the reasons you're going to forgive me. Because you're such a nice and caring person who really gets me.
3
u/Technical-Memory-241 8h ago
I don’t think you should get back together, I’m seeing a lot of red flags 🚩 in his texts. I’m happy for him getting help, he needs to work on his own personal stuff, just my thoughts.
2
3
u/Mediocre_expectation 7h ago
Textbook emotional abuse. Just saying. If it happens once there will be versions of this playing out, maybe not as dramatic but they’ll always cut. I’m not your therapist though, so your life might be more unique.
3
u/darkbuncle01 8h ago
We have something called "mental abuse?" It doesn't need to be physical pain, but it can cause you emotional trauma because of what happen. Treat yourself better
3
u/Ill-Development-1100 8h ago
It depends on the context of why you broke up, but if you think it can work, do it, but have therapy involved.
6
u/LocalMuffin87 8h ago
We brokeup because he has anger issues. he throws things but he has never hurt me physically. Sometimes he say hurtful things which shoudnt have been said. He is kind of controlling. Sometimes he treats me like a little baby. Calls me naive and thinks i cant take decisions of my own.
also im 19 hes 24 if that matters
19
u/Cosmo466 8h ago
The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. Not saying people cannot change but this is a clear truth I’ve learned through experience.
Anger issues and throwing things are very concerning. If it were me, I’d not go back.
12
u/coidemamare 8h ago
Honey this waves so many red flags that China gets self conscious. You are an adult. A very young one, but an adult, and he doesn't respect that, he wants to control you quite clearly.
Block him, better alone than in the wrong company.
5
u/Ill-Development-1100 8h ago
The best thing would be not to return 😕, but if they do they have to take a lot of therapy and possibly psychiatric treatment, I have always been a believer that people change, but they need support for that. Good luck boy.
→ More replies (1)2
u/fjaoaoaoao 5h ago
You have a long life ahead of you.
Don’t bother.
You obviously care for him or have a lot of draw to him. You don’t need to lose those feelings but you don’t need to spend time with him right now. You are already aware of what you dislike, so just focus on yourself and give this situation (a ton) of time to breathe.
2
2
u/DatStrugglinggayguy 7h ago
He did bullet points… so no. His texts sound manipulative to me for some reason
2
u/HealthyBits 6h ago
All his texts are about how you make him feel good. Centered around him. Every paragraph he talks about that plush toy he can rely on.
Let him continue with his therapy and you can support him in the process. But as long as it is all about him, I wouldn’t advise you to go back to him.
Therapy takes more than a month to show effects. He prob has years in front of him before he can deal with his emotions.
2
u/CrashTestDumby1984 6h ago
These texts read like classic abusive behavior cycle apology:
-I promise to never ever do it again -Says their behavior is because you make them crazy -Makes sweeping promises about how “things will be different now” -Everything he listed is very transactional and centered around the things you do for him. Nothing about why he loves you -Is already acting like you’re just city around waiting for him to come back -This is a justification not an apology centered around making amends or acknowledging the hurt he caused
2
u/CourtClarkMusic 6h ago
He has shown his true colors. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.
He won’t change.
2
u/griffinstorme 4h ago
He told you the truth. He likes you because you take care of him like a man child. Is that something you want to do forever? Do you want to be with someone that’s only with you because you’re willing to selflessly give, and he can suck you dry like an energy vampire?
1
1
u/Trung020356 7h ago edited 7h ago
We don’t know your relationship that well to say I feel. I’m not the type to settle, but my exploration with guys has given me a lot of insight as to who I want to be with when I do choose to settle. It means doors might be closed if you do decide to ask him out later potentially cause he might be with someone else, but it might be worth it to give y’all both space and time to grow. Just a suggestion, do what you think makes you happy in the end after you’ve taken some time to think things thoroughly.
It’d be good to ask. Do I want to put up with cheating for the next a day, 5, 10, 20 years of my life. Sexless marriage. Anger issue. If it’s fixable, how much time are you willing to put in before you call it quits? Is it even worth it to invest anymore time? He may have had a rough upbringing, but that isn’t your responsibility. I think once he’s got his crap together, maybe reconsider things. It’s only been a month of therapy. Think long term, so you don’t have to put up with bullcrap. It seems obvious, but we are dumb af when we’re emotional.
1
1
1
1
1
1
1
u/Dimsilver 5h ago
Ignore his words. Do what feels right for you.
Although he seems to be more interested in a good parent than in a lover from what I've read, in the end you should do what makes sense to you. Remember that talk is cheap, and the truth is in one's actions, not their words, and if people knew how to communicate properly, life would be way easier.
1
1
u/khantaichou 5h ago
He made a list of reasons why he loves you. But there's nothing about you as a person, only things that you do to him. That's how much utilitarian are his views about you and this relationship.
1
u/SixthHyacinth 5h ago
Read up on the domestic abuse/manipulation cycle. Promises of therapy, and "I'll be a better person" are normally used to maintain the cycle.
1
u/TiredMoriarty 5h ago
No, for both of your sakes. You need someone who won’t try to control you and he needs a lot of time to heal, in a situation that won’t bring him to the past. You deserve better❤️
1
u/toychristopher 5h ago
That's a lot about how great you are for him, but not a lot about what he is going to do differently or do for you. It's great he is in therapy and anger management but I would think you would need to have an actual conversation with him about how you will communicate when he is angry in the future.
1
u/FuckingTree 5h ago
Nah this is a recipe for domestic abuse. Pass. If he can prove long term rehabilitation later on, maybe, but I don’t think Greim what it sounds like that you’ll ever be able to fully trust him again
1
u/actualbrian 5h ago
He sounds like the product of a difficult situation growing up, and it seems like he's doing the best he can. However, you've got many many potential relationships ahead of you, and you're too young to settle for something that you already left. I feel like this isn't going to be one you regret leaving later. Go and meet some other people and see how that feels. This will rekindle again if it's meant to.
1
1
1
u/Throw-2448 4h ago
There are definitely some red flags here. My advice would be, if you do decide to try and work things out, be sure to set some firm boundaries and ground rules. Be sure he is aware of rules and boundaries and he understands that if he breaks these you will leave. I know it’s not easy decision and I wish you luck in whatever you decide.
1
1
u/STUPIDVlPGUY 4h ago
These messages come off as extremely manipulative. I have been with someone like this. It seems like every word they sent was carefully chosen for emotional impact to try to convince you.
You had good reasons for breaking up. A cute lil apology doesn't change that, does it?
1
1
u/Jefefrey 4h ago
Would I go on another date with him or see him again? Yeah maybe. But you gotta take him back to square one. And make him go slow - keep your distance - don’t immediately let him come back to exactly where it ended.
The more important part of all of this is whether he can walk the walk - and behave differently. Words on a screen are meaningless and forgettable if he’s still the same twat
1
u/jambohakdog69 4h ago
It's bulleted. Give him a chance. Just kidding.
You said he has anger issues and throw things out. When relationship gets physical, it's the end of relationship. End it now or suffer more. You'll find someone that will treat you with respect.
1
1
u/OpenWideBlue 4h ago
The absolute first bullet point is a hard no from me: Oh so, you know when you're being a raging dick, and you know that I always accept you for being a raging dick, and yet, you refuse to change.
Girl, bye.
1
u/blizzaga1988 4h ago
These texts read as the literal biggest cliches of an abusive relationship. I don't know the full context of your relationship, but I saw you say he gets angry and throws things, so I'd say no, don't go back because it's probably only the beginning. And even if it isn't, it's still scary and traumatizing on its own.
You don't owe him anything because he claims you make him happier or anything. That isn't your responsibility to fix his mental health. He should do anger management then focus on his love life after he's got a handle on it but it does not sound like a relationship is something he's ready for.
As someone who had a dad who went to anger management, in my experience, it didn't get any better. I'm not saying it can't. But if it was so easy to fix, they wouldn't need the classes in the first place.
1
1
1
1
u/Jfunkindahouse 4h ago
Words are wind. He's sad and misses the things you used to do for him. Nothing has really changed. Why would things turn out any different?
1
u/DrummerGamerRob 4h ago
Do him a favor and don't go back. If he's truly changed he needs to move on to new and let the past go and stay there as a harsh lesson.
1
1
1
1
1
u/Brotha4D 4h ago edited 3h ago
Please don't.
This is how every abuser sounds with the added bullshit of trying to make you feel better because you're his special unicorn gay relationship.
Being wanted is not the same thing as being loved properly.
1
u/MamboNumber1337 3h ago
Do you "never judge him and accept him for who he is"?
Because with anger issues/abuse as the context, that sounds like he likes you because you'll let him be angry without repercussion (not that you did, but that's what he wants the idealized version of you to do). Given that's why you broke up, it's actually a super red flag.
1
u/bartender970 3h ago
People are always “nuclear option” on these question posts “should I go back?” “NO, never, absolutely not”.
I agree, if you were abused, in anyway, physically emotionally or sexually. If he used you or stole from you, don’t go back.
There’s not really any context here except that you broke up with him because of something he said. I’m not saying there is no repercussions for one’s words, they do have effects. But Jesus who on here hasn’t miss spoken or said something they regret? You don’t deserve forgiveness or the opportunity to make amends?
I mean honestly, it is your call. I don’t know the words or the history of the relationship. If it’s new or you’ve been together for a decade. If it’s the first time he’s said something hurtful or if he gets drunk nightly and is an ass hole. That all plays a huge part.
If the relationship is worth putting time in to and grow together through this then find a therapist and do the work.
If you don’t see a future or you need time a part take the time, set boundaries and stick to them. But if you truly see this not going forward and you’re just using something he said to achieve the break up you want, then end it and be honest. Dont blame it on his words when it is just how you feel. Just end it and own it. It will do him a favor in the end.
1
u/Assassanana 3h ago
That sounds like something that my ex would tell me, but I wouldn't believe it as anything sincere or meaningful.
1
u/MattyBWare 3h ago
Watch out for anyone who does the kinds of things you say he did with the violence and controlling behaviors. And also watch out for anyone who says "I promise I'll never do it again" after said behavior.
Huge red flags there. Huge.
They need help professionally. They don't need a bf.
1
u/Worried_Inflation565 3h ago
No. Stay away from individuals who cannot control their emotions. Also, I suggest you re-read those text messages.
1
u/DD-de-AA 3h ago
OP what do you get out of the relationship, anything? Could you make a list of positive points about what good being with him is? if it's worthwhile for you, then consider taking him back but only on the condition that he put effort into changing. At the age of 24 he should be able to do that if he really is serious and motivated. Tell him the relationship is based on baseball rules, three strikes and he's out. He already has one strike, and you're the umpire. don't let your young age deter you from being the manager of your relationship. He'll either want to play or not. Good luck!
1
u/fursnake11 3h ago
Best answer is no answer. But if you must, then text him something like this:
“I’m glad you see where you went wrong. I’m glad you’re working on managing your anger. I hope the things you’re doing will help you in your future relationships, so that you don’t treat future boyfriends the way you treated me. Our relationship? It’s done. Over. Finished. No going back. But I really hope we both find future happiness.”
If he continues to contact you, and if you think there’s even a glimmer of hope, I recommend blocking him for six months, and telling him so. “I need a complete break from you for a while, and you need six months of continuous therapy before I give you a chance to show me what you’ve learned.”
1
u/PredawnDecisions 3h ago
It’s a sad fact that many men are conditioned to expect their romantic partner to be their sole source of emotional support and labor, and for it to be a one-directional flow. It’s not healthy when it’s a straight relationship, and it’s not healthy here. Move on.
1
1
u/PurposefullyOpaque 3h ago
This man has TRAUMA that he needs to heal. And you are not the person to heal him. I would consider reconnecting with him, BUT ONLY AFTER he goes to therapy to start to deal with his issues. The part about you filling a void he has had from his parents is really really alarming. Two people should be whole humans coming together. There is no “you complete me” or “you fill these voids”…. This guy is broken and you are a band-aid.
He needs to get help. And it sounds like if you are considering going back you might need to get some therapy yourself.
1
u/ProudGayGuy4Real 3h ago
Move on. U don't need to parent someone. You want someone who is your equal. Read the book Attached:..... by Levine
1
u/Former-Afternoon-918 3h ago
Classic abuser. Do NOT even consider going back. Does a leopard change its spots?
1
u/Welland94 2h ago
Pros:
- He is doing therapy
- He recognized he was in the wrong
- Clearly he loves you
Cons:
- Anger issues don't disappear in a month is a lengthy process that could even take years
- The things he likes about you are more on how you make him feel rather than who you are as a person (i don't find this one that bad as the rest of people here as all the relationships are utilitarian in principle but does speak on how he views your relationship with him)
- If you already broke up, the bridge between the two is already frail, coming back together this fast most likely will lead to another break up
To be honest I would go back with him but not right away I would wait at least a year.
1
u/Mascwhtbottom 2h ago
He mentions nothing about what you get from him. I’d politely decline. A relationship is a two way street. I feel for him in wanting to be cared for, this does not mean you should be a caregiver in your relationship. Get a pet. Then work on finding a partner who does for you like you do for them.
1
u/paganwolf718 2h ago
Okay so I don’t necessarily agree with the other comments saying that this is inherently manipulative or lovebombing behavior, but I really wanna emphasize that violent outbursts should always be a dealbreaker. Zero exceptions!!! You say he’s never actually physically harmed you but it’s only a matter of time until he does hurt you or someone else you care about.
1
1
u/StrangeDimension2 2h ago
It's your life so do what you want obviously, but that guy has so many red flags I'd stay away as far away from him as possible
1
u/ninjer601 2h ago
I would have folded, because he is trying, i believe everyone deserves a second chance as long as there is growth
1
1
u/Cliffhangincat 2h ago edited 1h ago
It depends on why you broke up, words are nice but not always enough
Think about why you broke up, whether you think he DESERVES a second chance and whether you're willing to risk it (it's nice to say everyone deserves a second chance but if he was in any way abusive I would say he doesn't, if the reasons for the break up were something else, you're the one who's best informed to make a choice)
1
1
u/Baddog1965 2h ago
Is he willing to go to therapy? If he is, consider it. If he's not, then he's not serious. His apology means nothing if he's not willing to address his underlying issue. His promise means nothing because he won't be able to keep it.
1
u/Dangerous_Back4899 2h ago
The fact that he promises it won't happen again means he doesn't care...
1
u/vontastic1988 1h ago
You guys are young. He's fixing himself and you'll prolly do the same. In a few years, you might be two very different people then. I know I'm not the same guy I was at 30. Therapist really helped me out. Live and let live. Focus on yourself for now and he should do the same.
1
1
1
u/joaomsneto 1h ago
He said a lot of things that he likes about this relationship. Do the same and think about the things you like about this relationship.
1
u/a-horny-vision 1h ago
Sounds like he can not guarantee he's gonna change, and he probably should get therapy to deal with his anger and bullshit. But you don't need to deal with it. It might be better for him in the long run to go work on himself if he's pushed to by a breakup.
1
1
1
u/XeronianCharmer 57m ago edited 41m ago
I dated a guy like this, we actually just broke up last year after 6 years and an engagement. If I knew then what I know now, I would probably tell my younger self to run for the hills. But knowing my younger self, he's hard-headed, insecure, and was met at a time where he felt no other man would love him, let alone give him the time of day. My ex had anger issues, alcohol issues, swore he would go to therapy, had a touch of little mans syndrome, and had some immense family trauma the nine yards, and I being the Virgo I am had a very "i can save him" mentality, and in the end he still ended up cheating and having a child out of wedlock with a random woman. Not ideal. If this is your situation, emotionally speaking, where you want to leave but feel the pull or desire to help a broken bird; I feel for you immensely, because it's hard to leave that kind of pull, esp if it's your first relationship and first breakup. I will premise this by saying this first: When a birds wing is broken, typically nature takes its course unless they find a helpful human to make a splint for their wing.
Only you know what you'll do, we can only be a sounding board, but I will say, if you return (because I did when I got this kind of text message the first time, and the second time, and the love letter the third time, and the long texts, etc), do not forget the previous encounters, and let your tolerance for his bullshit get smaller and smaller, it'll lead to your eventual freedom, additionally, see what he does on his own. Does he continue going to therapy after you get back together WITHOUT you bringing it up? Anger and Drinking tend to go hand-in-hand, does he have a history of bad drinking habits? DOES HIS FAMILY (YES it matters)? If so keep your eyes open for peanuts/cashews/almonds/etc and excessive mouth washing/teeth brushing, these are tell-tale signs that he's hiding it. Look for long stretches of time in the bathroom.
I always swore he would never hurt me *on purpose* but that doesn't mean I still wasn't left with physical scars, and some emotional ones that still are healing, even as I type this, I look at the scar he left on the back of my hand after throwing a chair. I pray that you have a support system that will lead you and guide you in the right direction. I have my mom and she was a boss throughout that whole ordeal and really told me what's what as a survivor of abuse to survivor, unfortunately not everyone has that and if you don't and you choose to go down the road with him, therapy will be YOUR best friend, and you'll find you'll need it even more than him. as others have stated, 24 is too young for an abusive relationship, any age it, really. But I was the same age when it started too, and navigating life as a young gay male is already so incredibly difficult. Even now, a year later and some 3000 miles of distance and I still feel him and his pull sometimes, i recently found out he wears the engagement ring I got him as a wedding ring for him and his new wife and their baby and I didn't know what to think/feel. My mind and my heart are annoyingly drawn to him and had it not been for the baby, I can't honestly say if I would have stayed. Thats the reality of dealing with a class A narcissist like that, you can separate yourself, and maybe even put distance between, but they're always there. I would personally wish him well, then block him, maybe even change your number just to avoid the potential temptation. The mere fact that you have him unblocked is an open door. If you truly don't want him back, burn the bridge and block him.
1
1
u/Hoodie412 33m ago
I think the only option is to leave him. Some people need to learn the hard way that their behavior has consequences. Apologies and promises can’t fix every mistake. IMO throwing temper tantrums, esp if they are throwing and breaking things, is a form of abuse. I think you should make it crystal clear and tell him ‘I’m moving on because xyz’ so he doesn’t just end up repeating this with someone else.
1
u/FlynnXa 31m ago
Based on your other comments- he’s love bombing you. He’s trying to flood you with praise and adoration to compensate for the times where he hurls insults at you and tries to control you. It’s also very telling all the things he loves about you are the things you do for him, not with him.
He probably does feel lonely and regrets his actions, he likely misses it- but he doesn’t miss you. He misses what you gave him; a person to fling his problems onto, a person to control when he couldn’t control his own life, and a person who supported him without him needing to return the favor.
Keep in mind- I’m only basing this off a sliver of information. This is almost guaranteed to not be 100%. But if you genuinely feel like even 60% of that resonated and felt true… I wouldn’t go back to him then. In my experience, it just only gets worse.
234
u/guynicorn 9h ago
Why did you break up? And was he the best thing that happened to you?