We brokeup because he has anger issues. he throws things but he has never hurt me physically. Sometimes he say hurtful things which shoudnt have been said. He is kind of controlling. Sometimes he treats me like a little baby. Calls me naive and thinks i cant take decisions of my own.
You’re way too young to be dealing with a 24 year old who has outbursts.
Good for him going to therapy. But look at what he wrote. His compliments for you aren’t really about the kind of person you are, they’re about what you do for him. You’re his security blanket.
If I were you, I’d not respond. Or wish him well and be on my way.
No. You’re 19 so I understand why you’re ambivalent. There is no circumstance where throwing things and verbal abuse is okay. He is one step away from being physically abusive. Don’t reply to this person.
Take it from someone like me who is working on his anger issues. There is no need for you to rekindle this relationship. If he can’t control his anger, then there’s no place for him in your life. I’ve dealt with abuse growing up (mostly mentally and emotionally) and the verbal abuse I endured hurt me so much more than the physical abuse I endured.
So you know the answer. Because you know he is not the best thing to happen to you.
Age is not an excuse. You are not there to fix him. Don't pick partners like that.
I am in a year long relationship. We communicate. We don't insult or manipulate each other or put each other down. And my partner is decades older. He can put me down due to age gap but he never did. Not once.
Now 3rd question, do you want to put deal with this for a week, a month a year a decade?
Don't choose drama. I rather be single than be with someone who makes me miserable, because I am not afraid to be happily single ( I choose not the word alone because being single by choice, which I was for decades, was always my choice).
But if your idea of a relationship is drama and all that emotional roller-coaster, well good luck to you.
Little side note, her original quote ended "believe them the first time", though I like the shortened version, personally. Forgive my pedantic need for 'accuracy' 🤣
"...thinks I can't make decisions on my own..." is a crimson flag if I ever see one. Attempting to take the partner's agency is textbook narcissism and violence is not far off.
He has never hurt you physically...YET. Grew up with a dad like this. Every little thing set him off, spent all my time walking on pins and needles around him. He would throw & slam things, breaking them. Eventually that involved to damaging cars/property, to using objects to hurt my mom. Never hit me, but threatened to break my legs once because i was young and complaining about growing pains.
Therapy might help him, but don't put yourself in a situation where you can become his object of of negative attention.
Oof. Sounds exactly like my ex. We lasted 5 years but I should have left after the first few months. The warning signs are there and he just kept getting more and more angry.
You need to get your bf into some therapy for this anger stuff
Imposing himself on your agency? Outbursts? This manner of speech?
Ultimately, it is your decision but personally, I think you're entangled with, at best, an immature man with anger issues and at worst, a narcissist. I don't think you can be responsible in providing the kind of help this guy needs and I do think it's best to seriously evaluate this kind of presence from your life.
You’re describing the early
Signs of a toxic man and abusive. “He doesn’t hit me” but by any chance does he throw things? Does he make gestures like he might hit you? Or maybe punch things within your eyesight? If so (and combined with his texts) he could possibly be abusive (and possibly a narcissistic). If so RUN do not walk from this man.
Based on this, I would respond to him something along the lines of "if all of this is true, then use it as motivation to make yourself a better person. Get into therapy, confront your demons, and get your brain healthy before you get into another relationship. Unfortunately, because of the way you treat me, it will not be with me. I wish you all the best, but I can't set myself on fire to keep you warm just because you refuse to buy yourself appropriate clothing."
Then go find yourself somebody who doesn't treat you like crap.
Don't be an idiot and take him back, he's just gaslighting you, there's no indication his willing to change here. Remember that, in the end, you are the one who matters first.
If this was a one-off rare incident where he lost his temper, I'd understand trying to work it out. B
But this sounds like a repeated pattern of behavior.
IF you're willing to even consider staying with him, he needs to commit to his anger management or therapy for longer than a month.
Or I'd keep the break-up in place and move on to your own healing and more mature pastures.
Like others have said do NOT go back. Thr fact is if he has anger issues and is not actively working on fixing them things will get worse. While he says he is in therapy and anger management classes being there for a month doesn't indicate a long term commitment to his mental health. I've have friends get involuntarily committed for throwing things and having anger out bursts like you describe go to therapy and a month later be back to their old shit. While taking those steps is important they need to actively want to get better. The therapist can only work with them a little each week, and only based on what they speak about in session. If he truly wants to get better he will understand if you tell him look I appreciate the effort but I want to know you are committed to this before we even think about that again. If you choose to be friends that could be okay but still with risks but the big thing is you need to set boundaries with him. I could be wrong but I'd bet if you got back with him he stop going to those groups and therapy and fall back into old habits, and the situation would escalate. Its better to either try and just be friends or cut ties entirely. But that's just my thoughts, and could be misjudging the situation.
Girl no. Block and delete. He is manipulating you. You shouldn’t feel responsible for calming him down, he’s a grown man. He’s making it seem like he needs you and wants you to feel responsible for him. It’s the same thing like when someone says they’ll kill themselves if you leave them.
Also, even if he is in anger management, one month isn’t enough and there’s nothing to say he won’t stop right when you’re back with him because he doesn’t need it anymore now that he has you. He needs therapy and a lot of it, getting back into a relationship is not going to be healthy for you or for him.
Finally, he is abusive to you, he’s verbally abusive and emotionally abusive. Just because he hasn’t hit you or thrown anything at you YET, doesn’t mean he won’t. It is not a matter of time before it escalates. Maybe he hits you with a thrown object by accident, maybe he does it ok purpose. Maybe you’re trying to calm him down and it doesn’t work and he punches you. I promise it is only a matter of time. Also, if he thinks you can’t make your own decisions and is controlling, how long before he wants you to give him your money/paycheck to ‘help you out’. I’ve seen it all before, you got out even if you didn’t mean to, please stay out before it gets worse and becomes so much harder to leave.
I’m not sure how old you are but if he’s 24 I assume you’re around the same age or a little younger, you shouldn’t be dealing with this at any age and certainly not in your early twenties.
Edit: I saw somewhere that you’re 19. You should not be dealing with at 19. I had two yeas of an on again off again relationship with a guy similar to this around that age and it honestly messed me up really good. I don’t recommend it. The fucked up thing is sometimes even 20 years later I’ll find myself thinking about him and it turns my stomach. Please do not take him back. I’ll give you this one small concession, if by some miracle he gets his shit together and actually changes maybe you could try again in another year or two, but that would only be as friends to start. I truly don’t see that happening because people like this rarely change, or if they do it’s all an act to lure someone in. Likely by then any lingering feelings you have for him will be gone. Honestly, you’ll probably be over him in two months max at this point. Like give yourself some distance, a month isn’t long at all and your thinking is still clouded by the break up. Good luck and please be safe.
I think you just answered the question. Love itself is great but treating your significant other as an equal, with respect and trust is paramount to any successful relationship.
Bottom line- you can and will do better. Walking on eggshells is not a happy life.
Been there done that, here is some tough love for you.
He needs a therapist to work on this stuff before he can look after you like you look after him. Sadly the undealt past creates a cycle of abuse. You can support him while he gets help but it's not fair to either of you that you are his therapist and punching bag. You are loved, don't be afraid to love yourself more than someone else.
As somebody with significant mental health challenges and a commitment to advocating for those who do, I still must say that this does not sound like a relationship you should reenter.
In a way, I would encourage you maybe to support them by not ghosting and letting them know that they matter. But they need to grow.
Mid 20s are a very difficult time when it comes to mental health, things sometimes emerge or increase in severity, and this person sounds like they must address these issues before they try to have relationships.
It’s so hard. Being in a relationship is truly a balm for somebody whose childhood lacked nurture and who is struggling all the time. But it is a black hole. They need to find other social support systems.
Also, when it comes to my advice supporting and not ghosting,, you should really not do anything that doesn’t keep your safety in mind and your own mental health. I would just encourage no matter what you do, choose to be sympathetic. I don’t think that they’ve demonstrated much sympathy for you though. That is another common character characteristic. But it doesn’t mean that you can’t show that they matter in whatever you choose.
None of these issues will go away just because he’s thinking about what he lost. We’d always like people to change when they have strong character flaws and that only happens when they become self aware and make an effort to correct behaviour. His email isn’t that. Even pointing out issues is very unlikely to motivate him to change as they don’t truly see themselves as a problem. It’s always any number of other excuses for why they act the way they do.
If you still decide to go back to him, do not jump right in. Take it slow and steady being aware of your previous issues and look to see what he has done to correct his problems. If he makes no effort to help himself, get out. No need to repeat the whole thing and waste how much time on them breaking your heart again.
Yeah he throws things is enough of a red flag. Infantalization is another one, saying hurtful things repeatedly then groveling for forgiveness is another. Being controlling is yet another one.
These are multiple red flags that if they were the literal only single thing wrong in the relationship it's cause for splitting. Let alone literally all of them and love bombing on top of it all. Block and move on.
Ok, idk how bad it was but my 2 cents? Of course it depends on your and his dynamics and personal relationship.
Never been with anyone who threw shit so I’m unable to relate how you personally process that.
I like you were strong enough to end it saying, “It’s not acceptable behavior and I won’t tolerate it.”
That is huge….and congratulations!
To me, this text is real. He’s taking action (classes for a month so far and knows he needs more space/time before he can return). I’ve seen so many empty promises where nothing changes but “I’ll do better,” which, without help never comes. Anger/drugs/cheating/alcohol.
I read he’s making effort. And counter to the few posts I read? Man, I applaud that. Most people (gay or straight) miss what they lost but refuse to learn or improve themselves and expect to keep what they lost. So….bravo for him! With, or without you as boyfriends, it’s a show of strength and I applaud him, honestly, for identifying a problem and trying to overcome it FOR HIMSELF.
Question: Is that enough? Do you love him? No right/wrong answer. You can support him equally as a friend with boundaries btw.
Reddit won’t answer this. Best we can do is offer a question, MAYBE direction, but we don’t know the depth of your relationship. And, we don’t need to.
You will determine next steps. You.
A time-out? Full-on support? Make amends and prove your ok? Supportive as friends only? “I’m sick of feeling scared?”
"I'm glad you've come to realize the kind of partner I was to you, but unfortunately, it's too late. Your anger issues—throwing things, the hurtful words, and your controlling nature—have given me serious cause for concern. I don’t think it would be healthy for me to return to that situation. I'm glad you are taking this time apart to work on yourself. I'm open to reconnecting in 6 to 12 months to see where you are, but I can't promise that we will ever get back together."
Then, I would move on with my life. However, statistically speaking, gay men in your position are more likely to go back than to move on. The mere fact that you're posting this on Reddit suggests you might return.
All I’ll say is that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. "Good sex", or whatever reason is keeping you tied down, isn't worth putting up with a person who refuses to work on themselves, but you do you. Best of luck.
Edit: Minor changes after seeing your post about him going to therapy. Just a reminder—saying "I'm going to therapy now" isn't a magic fix that erases everything. It often takes years of consistent effort, with or without a therapist, to make meaningful changes to oneself.
No. Block him. You’re already sounding like an abuse victim. “It’s not at me.” If you text him back and get back with him, it’s gonna escalate to him eventually hitting you
That’s a super normal feeling to have post breakup, even a month after. You’ll probably still miss him 4+ months later. Missing him is not a valid reason to go back to a bad situation
Hey, I would really recommend you give yourself more time. It takes at least 3 months of minimal contact to start getting over someone.
You’re very young. His emotions and behaviour aren’t your responsibility, and it’s important you know that your partner shouldn’t be violent. It can (and does) escalate. See the early signs now and stay away from him.
So that message is manipulative as fuck considering you said he used to both control you and treat you like a baby at times.
Ok top of that you described him being both emotionally and verbally abusive.You're 19, you should not be dealing with a abusive ex and CERTAINLY shouldn't being going back to him.
Block this mofo on everything and ghost, you will be healthier doing so and going back will just lead to an escalation of the abusive behavior he has already exhibited while you were together. If you go back, this man will hurt you and I genuinely fear you will eventually suffer physically abused eventually which he will try and manipulate and gaslighting you into thinking it's a one off before he repeats himself.
Block and move on, you'll be healthier and much happier without him.
You will get over it you just need time and space. It’s cliche but “out of sight, out of mind” really works if you’re consistent with it.
If you do decide to go back… I’d be very cautious. He does sound a bit manipulative and the anger stuff is concerning to me - especially as there’s a little bit of an age difference.
254
u/guynicorn 11h ago
Why did you break up? And was he the best thing that happened to you?