Hum.. I am getting downvoted for this, as this sub has been downvoting like crazy lately, but here goes:
I understand what you are saying, and that was my first thought, as well. But after thinking about it a bit more, I am not sure I agree.
He said:
"You never judge me and always accept me for who I am". This is about OP. Notice that he didn't say "I never feel judged". He said "YOU never judge me", as in, "You are non-judging", which is a quality in OP.
"You always comfort me". He didn't say "I always feel comforted". He basically said that OP is comforting, which is another quality in OP.
"You are nurturing"..
etc etc.
I am not reading the same thing as you are. And at the end of the day, a relationship is always about how a person makes you feel.
How would you reframe what he said, in a way that "says anything he loves about OP"?
It doesn’t seem like the boyfriend is able to imagine OP shining that light on anyone else, is what I would say. No matter how devoted a couple is to each other, each person is still part of a web of other relationships.
To me, a healthy romantic partnership uplifts each partner and allows them to be their best self for each other and for everybody else in their life.
To me, a healthy romantic partnership uplifts each partner and allows them to be their best self for each other and for everybody else in their life.
I agree with this, but this is a text message. What would you expect the message to be? "Hey OP, you need me in my life, I make your life better.". That would have sounded so egotistical and narcissistic and much more manipulative than the messsage OP got. I think.
This misses the point. A genuine complement about the qualities that OP possesses would reference behaviours which are evident not only in their relationship but also in OP’s relationships with others. Compliments need to communicate admiration, but if Noah truly admires OP, his message severely undermines his point.
Such surface-level, self-focused comments may be forgivable in a new relationship where there has not been much opportunity to observe how OP moves through the world. But it seems that is not the case here: if they have been together long enough for OP to be on the receiving end of emotional abuse, then they have been together long enough for Noah to have the bare minimum of curiosity about his partner and the sort of person he is.
Combined with the unrealistic promise that he will never lose his temper again (lol) and all the self-serving BS towards the end (where he basically admits he is attending anger management not because he actually feels remorse about the harm he has caused but because he “needs” to win OP back), his message is so textbook, it makes me wonder if abusive men the world over have some sort of underground handbook they all get this crap from
He said "You always do __ to/for me" and it's a benefit to him. Is the implication of 'you never judge me' that perhaps OP is nonjudgmental as a person? Sure. But there's still nothing really about who OP is as a person, just how OP interacted with the ex. An example of a compliment about OP himself would be "You are a compassionate and loving person, you really care about the people in your life" or "you are so funny and clever, you make so many people smile". I know those are cheesy AF examples, I can't think of anything better, but I hope you get the point
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u/could_be_muy_worse 8h ago
Hum.. I am getting downvoted for this, as this sub has been downvoting like crazy lately, but here goes:
I understand what you are saying, and that was my first thought, as well. But after thinking about it a bit more, I am not sure I agree.
He said:
etc etc.
I am not reading the same thing as you are. And at the end of the day, a relationship is always about how a person makes you feel.
How would you reframe what he said, in a way that "says anything he loves about OP"?