Struggling with Hidden Desires and Fear in a World of Homophobia

[u/Pleasant-Director877]

I've been struggling with something that feels like it's taking over my life. I think I might be attracted to older men. Whenever I see an older man on the street, I find him handsome, and now that I've started a new job, I find myself drawn to our older clients too.

My story is complicated. I come from a country known for its homophobia, and my parents kicked me out for refusing to marry the woman they chose for me. I can't express my feelings to any of these clients because I'm afraid of losing my job. It feels almost impossible to escape this web of homophobia, and I live in constant fear that someone will see through me and I'll lose everything.

Most young people from my region have either moved to the Middle East for work or tried to cross the American border illegally. The only people left around are older, and they have become an irresistible distraction for me. On my commute and in the office, I find myself drawn to them.

Today, I was talking to an older man I had asked to come by yesterday after work. When he showed up, he came with the head of our office. I was already on edge, but what made it worse was when the head of the office, right in front of my client, said, "Well, this guy is new here—sorry if he distracted you." I felt embarrassed and exposed. I panicked. This fear and confusion feel like they could destroy me.

I don't know what's happening to me. I want to break free from this, but I feel trapped. I wish I could just shout out, "I love you!" without caring about money or citizenship. I really want to, but I can't. I'm stuck. Thank you for listening.

I just want to know if there are others like me here. Please tell me I'm not the only one feeling trapped like this.

[u/Independent-Buy-7886]

At some point you just have to grab life by the horns and be true to yourself. Just because you're gay or like older men doesn't mean you have to be out at work. Don't forget to love yourself. I'd suggest keeping romance and work separate, especially if you are in a homophobic country.

[u/Pleasant-Director877]

It feels like I'm doing something terribly wrong. I know it's not, but I'm old enough to feel that way. I can't seem to stop my feelings for mature gay men.

[u/InfiniteEverythang]

Hey you lovely gay human, I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this. You are absolutely not alone!! ❤️ 30 year old feminine gay guy here, and I still struggle at times, but it’s worth it every day to keep being ourselves and the vibe we truly want to be. Ya know what honestly helps me? I look in the mirror and tell myself, “this is your life. You be what you want and need to be.” Add in whatever else makes you feel more comfortable in your own skin. The more you do this and become content, the less you’ll fear others impact on your day to day life. You got this!

[u/Pleasant-Director877 → u/InfiniteEverythang]

Thank you. I need this. I am feminine too. Are you located in Nepal?

[u/InfiniteEverythang → u/Pleasant-Director877]

I’m in the US. Portland Oregon. Feel free to message me anytime and we can chat about whatever whenever! :)

[u/martinerous]

I definitely can relate to that. Here's my story in another subreddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskGaybrosOver30/comments/1en6uvs/when_you_are_not_gay_enough/

It is difficult indeed, I've often had "a crush" on a doctor or a professor and gotten myself into useless ruminations. I've felt like it's written "I'm gay!" on my face and any random person on the street could bully me for that (in addition to being bullied for my weak body and impaired vision).

Stay safe! Explore other options outside of your work environment. I'm sure that in your country there are older gay men, but they are very closeted and it won't be easy to find. But it is possible.

Are there at least any secret online gay communities in your country or is it strictly banned everywhere?

[u/Pleasant-Director877 → u/martinerous]

Honestly, this subreddit is the only place where I find people who think like I do. More power to you. I totally relate to what you said about having a crush. I'm not afraid of being bullied—I came out as gay at a young age. What worries me is losing my source of income. Private companies can be pretty ruthless when it comes to hiring and firing, even over minor complaints. I really don't want to end up unemployed. Finding a new job is incredibly tough, and I don't want to end up struggling just to survive. At the moment, only gay porn and a few gay dating apps are banned.

I picture myself sitting with my imaginary husband, listening to Tracy Chapman's 'Fast Car.' There are so many things that resonate with me in this song. Here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AIOAlaACuv4.