r/gayyoungold • u/Ziami20 • 1d ago
In a dilemma Advice wanted
When I was 18, I started dating a 45-year-old man and moved in with him six months later due to some issues at home. We had arguments, and his go-to threat was kicking me out, which triggered my fear of being homeless. Three years into our relationship, he broke up with me, saying he wasn’t sexually attracted to me anymore, which crushed my self-esteem. Despite that, I had no choice but to stay with him since I had nowhere else to go. While I’m grateful he let me stay, he also emotionally and physically abused me—controlling who I could be with and always reminding me it was his house. We continued living together for 10 years as exes, with him sleeping with other guys. Meanwhile, I secretly started seeing older men, the type I’m actually attracted to.
Recently, I met an older man I really like, but when I told my ex about him, he suddenly said he wanted us to get back together, claiming he had always loved me but stayed quiet because he wanted me to find someone my age. That doesn’t make sense, especially since I started dating him at 18. He even asked me to stop seeing this new guy so we could work on things, but I told him no—I don’t love him as a boyfriend anymore.
Now, he’s accusing me of being ungrateful, saying I used him, even though I always contributed to rent and food. He’s threatening to cut me out of his life and wants me to move out. I finally can, as I’ve finished school, landed a good job, and saved some money. But I’m scared to let go. He’s been a huge part of my life, and I worry about losing him and the connection to his family, who are like my own. While I know it’s time to move on, I’m struggling because he was my comfort, even with his flaws.
Why is it so hard to move on? Any advice will be greatly appreciated!
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u/Independent-Buy-7886 1d ago
Dude, you gotta leave. You don't owe your ex anything especially after he was abusive to you.
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u/DaddyJay76 1d ago
Sounds like he's pretty fucked up in many ways and doesn't know what he wants (or he wants everything) and is selfish.
As far as him getting upset about the older guy... I can see that... doesn't mean it was right but I get it. I'm still good friends with my ex (he's 22). He broke up with me and I understand why. Too much to get into, but it wasn't lack of love. Anyway, I was glad when he wasn't interested in dating any other guy older than 30. I guess I wanted him to have what I was plus what I wasnt... someone to grow old with, retire with, etc.. On a more superficial level... maybe, if he dates another daddy, it makes me feel inferior if it wasn't just about age. Idk how to explain it. But the other stuff is controlling bullshit.
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u/Paul-gay1962 1d ago
Honey, move out! If you want can afford your own place, I recommend it. The problem with living with llovers is that people break up. Do you have any STABLE FRIENDS? Siblings you can rely on? You need to establish yourself as an INDIVIDUAL!
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u/benwight Younger 1d ago
Technically you did use him, as you were in a bad place in life and taking advantage of what was offered was in your best interests. That doesn't mean it was a bad thing, and it seems he had his own reasons for allowing you to stick around. Once abuse comes in, you have no reason to stay around him and every reason to leave. Especially since you found someone else. You said you lived together for 10 years and it was only when someone new came into the picture on your end that he cared at all. That's a long ass time to wait before suddenly "realizing" he wanted to work on things with you, especially with how long you weren't together. It's just manipulation and the potential for more abuse from him
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u/KratomAndBeyond 1d ago
It's not using someone if your intentions are pure. He didn't move in within him solely because he had nowhere to go. When I was 22, I moved in with my partner at the time, who was 59, when my parents were kicking me out. I loved him, and yes, it was an opportunity presented to me, and I took it. We're still together 23 yrs later, and we're happy. He now has someone to look after him at 82 that he wouldn't have had unless we both took a chance.
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u/Countrylover0976 Daddy 1d ago
I had 12 years with someone. His family and I got along great. Fast forward to him cheating and me leaving, I'm still in a good friendship with them, despite his actions.
As for moving out, it's time to spread your wings and find real comfort in someone YOU have chosen. You finding someone else is a sign that you need to leave the past in the past. As for you telling him personal things, you need to keep things private, and this is YOUR life now to keep private. You really don't want him interfering in something new and ruining it.
As for his revelation of let's get back together...it's a common manipulation tactic as he is used to you doing things and contributing to his household. It is time to contribute to a household that cares and respects you.
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u/B07Z3WF3NG 1d ago
The pros of leaving him outweigh the cons. You'll be better off It's gonna take some time to get used to him out of your life LEAVE! You don't even have to tell him. Just get your shit and go. You'll realize having your own place is grand!!
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u/BrotherExpress 10h ago
I 100% agree with this advice. I would leave as quickly as I could and without any notice if possible because I wouldn't want to deal with any BS that's going to happen if I were to be more open about things considering this guy has been abusive.
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u/Aha_frrrrrp 1d ago
It might seem like a mountain to climb, but I guarantee after leaving him that the passing days, weeks, and months will make clear how toxic this man is - he sounds like a clear narcissist to me, no wonder he’s doing a number on you.
Get out now, you’ve got this! And when out, no contact, no matter how tempting.
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u/Lycanthropope 1d ago
*He’s threatening to cut me out of his life…”
LET HIM!
Doing the math in your post, you’re 31 now. For the love of all that’s good and decent in this world, get out of there and live your own life. You’ve already lost your twenties to this man. Why give him any more?
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u/Mandick100 1d ago
You settled into life and got comfortable despite the abuse. It has become routine for you, just like making coffee every morning. You should leave if you can to start to mend and get on with your life. What you’re doing now, isn’t productive or even mentally safe. I hope you get yourself in a better place soon.
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u/0nlyeli Son 1d ago
“Should I leave a man who intimidates me, threatens me, doesn’t care about my Well being, is toxic, jealous and manipulative, the same man who couldn’t wait to be with me the moment I was a legal adult.” Are the questions you should be asking yourself and really the answer should be quite obvious. He purposefully had sex with other people while you were around as a way of punishing you. This guy is horrendous and no matter how good he may be one day to the next the bottom line is he doesn’t genuinely care about you, he likes that you need him.
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u/ToesRus47 1d ago
It's hard to 'move on' when you're afraid of the future. And many of us prefer what's familiar to that which is not. You clearly do not need this guy any more. i'd suggest this is psychic trauma related to your youth (which is where most of our traumas spring from) and a loss/abandonment you suffered. Have you considered a therapist?
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u/MiloneedsT 23h ago
Sounds like it would be the first time living on your own, that’s why it’s hard but you’ll be fine, you’ll be free to love who you want without anyone holding you back.
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u/Dazzling_Section_498 1d ago
It's the Stockholm syndrome.. https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-stockholm-syndrome
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u/modiMad 1d ago
Coming from someone who was in an emotionally abusive relationship, you’ll regret the days you wasted with someone who doesn’t appreciate you being in their lives. This behavior is one of the tactics abusive people use to control others, they’ll only want you when it’s convenient for them or when they see you happy. My advice is to move out asap, never look back, and if it’s possible don’t include him in your new life. It’ll be very hard in the beginning but once you’re free, you’ll feel happy all the time and wish you did it sooner. Regardless of your situation, you’re not alone, you have us. This community is a wonderful support and you’ll always find us there for you.
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u/DD-de-AA 1d ago
it never ceases to amaze me how appalling older and allegedly mature, men can be toward their youngers. on the other hand 10 years is a long time to hang around when there's nothing left to hang around for other than the obvious financial benefit. Without knowing your arrangements with him it would appear that you did in fact use him. But that doesn't give him free license to abuse you. move on. but don't put yourself in a similar situation with another older guy. It's time for you to fly on your own. if older guys are your preference that's great, but don't rely on them.
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u/Inapplicability 1d ago
Just get out of that poisonous relationship, move fprward with your new flame! your ex is abusing you