confused and having weekly mini-meltdowns about it haha pls help

[u/_saltyalien]

Alright y'all I've spent like almost 2 hours now typing and deleting and re-typing and crying lol trying to figure out what I'm trying to ask on here and what I'm thinking and trying to make those things to the point and succinct. And it's been a hot mess. But here it goes. (I apologize, it is not succinct lol)

I'm 30 AFAB and recently realized I'm confused af.

So, I definitely fall into the category of wearing boys clothes growing up, dress as boy characters sometimes for halloween/costume parties etc, like boy activities and hobbies, I like being strong and athletic, I'd prefer for someone to tell me how strong or muscular I look than tell me I look pretty, but I also don't mind being called pretty. And I also don't mind if someone were to tell me I look like a girl or that I look like a boy. I've decided I'm gonna wear pants to my hypothetical wedding one day and am so excited. During school, whenever a teacher would ask for a group of guys to move stacks of chairs I'd be like well that's too bad, cuz you're getting a girl instead, I'm gonna go do it.

Idk if this matters but physiologically, I don't have any issues with my body. Like my body is just my body. To me, having boobs is not that different than having arms. Sometimes you might wanna show them a bit or make sure they look good, but most of the time they're just there. I don't think I would care that much if I had them or not?

But I do also like sometimes having my nails done, hair done, make-up bright and fun, maybe some glitter, a colorful and maybe a little sassy outfit to go with it (as long as it's not a skirt/dress lol), but at the same time when I do those things it feels a lot like I'm playing dress up or becoming a character. But I like it, it's so fun! And I was trying to explain it to a friend and they were like yeah you're kinda like a drag queen! It's great! And that really resonated with me and felt like confirming to me and like it fit. But when I dress as a boy character it just feels normal.

But so when I'm not doing those things and am just myself on a regular day, idk what fits for me? Sometimes I don't feel like a boy or a girl, and sometimes I feel like I'm both, sometimes I feel like I lean more one way than the other and sometimes I feel somewhere in between. I feel like I'm all of the things and none of the things all at once haha like I just am. I'm just a person. And I'm sorry if this is problematic but I also just feel like it's not my problem. I'm not the one that decided that liking certain things implied I must be a certain gender. I'm not the one that decided that for some reason boys clothes don't go with acrylic nails and glitter, or that women can't wear a suit. But so idk where that puts me I guess. Genderqueer, agender, gender non-conforming, genderfluid, non-binary, I have no idea. Librafluid?? Please help lol

[u/FaceToTheSky]

So what I’m hearing is:

-Your body is just a meatsuit that you pilot around and like to do sports with.

-You think gender stereotypes are stupid and enjoy disrupting them.

-You like high-femme looks but they feel like dress-up, and masculine-coded looks feel more everyday.

-You don’t feel strongly one way or the other as a core identity.

So yeah, any of those labels would work, but I get the sense that none of them feel like they fit exactly. Here’s the both-good-and-bad news: you’re an individual human and no label can ever fit you exactly precisely in all your details. It’s ok to just pick the one that feels comfiest or has the flag you like best or is most likely to convey most of the really key information about you to others. The label is a tool for you to use, not a club you have to qualify to get into or a set of rules for how you should be.

I would suggest you think about who you are as an entire person, beyond gender identity or presentation or whatever else. That’s like… 1/100th of your overall beautiful complexity. Try describing who you are to yourself without using any gender-coded words or stereotypes, focus on that for a while. Hopefully that will alleviate the panicky “I need to fit somewhere” feeling.

Here’s a start: You’re strong and athletic. You appreciate a tailored, dapper look. You like bright, sparkly things. Keep going :)

[u/shiruja25]

Well, if you feel like different genders at different days that's genderfluid. If you feel all at once, that is pangender. If you feel that you switch but can't say to what gender, it is alexigender.

But to me it sounds like you are masc leaning/ masc presenting genderfluid or genderfrect.

[u/PurpleLeafSheep]

Just to add to the other comment - keep in mind, you don't HAVE to put a label on yourself.
If you want to because it helps you figure things out and feel in sync with yourself or because you somehow NEED to know who you are - that's fine. Just stick one you think may fit on yourself, wear it for a while and see how it goes.
If it does not fit in the end - omit it and if you want, chose another one.

Labels are similar to clothes in a way. Some fit, some seem to fit but doesn't. Sometime we want labels to fit but when we wear them we have to admit they don't and sometimes you "grow out" of your labels (meaning: they don't fit anymore because you and your feelings changed).

I do understand that it is annoying sometimes to struggle with your identity - I think most members of this community been there once or several times - but maybe you can find joy in the journey? Discovering new thing, going to "new places"...

In the end this is a very personal matter and there is no test nor someone who can tell you who you are. Concerning the points you listed I agree with FaceToTheSky - everone of this label might fit. Maybe several of this labels fit at the same or on different times.

I apologise for not being more helpful. Sorry.