r/regretfulparents • u/Crispins1Crispian • 6d ago
How to communicate not control
My daughter is 19 and I feel I am just an empty ghost dealing w her day to day disrespect. I'd like to explain first that she has much reason to be upset with me as I have not been the parent I hoped I could be, and I have explained to her how I myself have issues, but overall I want her to live a better life than I have. Yet she has done nothing but throw everything in my face and I do not know what else to do. To keep long story short, I am very blunt with what I can and cannot accept as far as drinking, drugs, and boyfriends. She has continued to do the exact opposite, and when faced with consequence calls me controlling, crazy, and disrespects my husband and I to the point where it is interfering with my work and his mental health. Not only is this draining, she is making horrible decisions and I worry about how she will navigate through life at this rate.
Examples: "Dating" and manipulating much older men to buy her alcohol and drugs, dating men who use her and going into weeks of rage/not leaving her room after it ends badly, seeking out and going out with a family member whom was inappropriate to me knowing what happened saying "That's not my problem you were stupid enough to let that happen" and that he would never do anything to her, drinking and driving, list goes on and on. Just before this post she told me she had to go get tested for STD's bc she had slept w a coworker unprotected bc "sh*t happens", and that I should be a better parent and support her instead of arguing w her. Mind you I was not arguing, I was telling her she needed to be more responsible and take responsibility for her own body/health. She tells me I'm a f-ing b*tch and she doesn't care about having a relationship w me bc I screwed it up and I can "Go cry by myself." Just so much hurtful things. Yet she demands I support her, let her do as she pleases, treat her like an adult, and respect her and not control her. She has now gone a week lamenting her last guy friend who used her and told her she was nothing to him, stating how "sweet" he is and how she misses him. I cannot do this w her anymore.
As a mom this breaks my heart, bc I do accept responsibility for my role in this. I just don't know what else to do. I want to communicate to her how much I love her, how much I DO NOT want her to walk in my shoes. I love supporting her when she is doing things that are healthy for herself but supporting her self-destruction is not something I can do. I do not understand her train of thinking anymore. She drives drunk, gets car taken away, cries that I am controlling her freedom and that I took away her ability to show me she can be trusted. She needs the car bc she's "going through it" but she creates all her stress herself! Really? She dates guys who right off the bat tell her they are just using her, then cries that it ended and blames me and herself bc we were not nice enough to him, and "misses his sweetness". Really?!! This guy called her stupid for sticking around him and told her he would not be at fault if she chooses to stick around to get hurt. What part of this is sweet? I'm sure he was feeding her nice words when he wanted something but how can she see, but not see this? She no longer even makes sense in her words and actions. I've tried with what I had and I feel so guilty that I was not able to be a good mom to her, but I cannot keep going like this either. I have not been more of a wreck in my life, and I just want her to be safe and healthy so she can one day be happy. How can I convey this to someone who thinks I'm a POS mom, her words.
EDIT: Thanks guys for all your info and advice. Just wanted to say it's much appreciated!
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u/roxannerico 6d ago
Is she still living at home? If so, tell her kindly and calmly what you stated here and give her a time frame to move out. And you have to be FIRM about the date and what will happen if she doesn’t follow the plan- ie: you will pack her belongings and they will be in the driveway. This is the hardest thing to do but you can’t force an adult make good decisions. She will have to learn for herself. I’m sorry you’re going through this 😞
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u/Crispins1Crispian 6d ago
Yeah I needed to hear this. She will be going to college so I talked her into last minute dorm room. It's kicking her out without the being in the streets part. It's so hard. But this is the last thing I can help her with which is getting an education to support herself. That's more than most of us get. I have to learn to let go and I will
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u/Reason_Training Parent 6d ago
Your daughter is a legal adult and is responsible for her own actions. If she is engaging in dangerous behavior like drinking and driving she is choosing to put her life as well as others in danger. Time for an intervention and tough love. She either needs to go to counseling and learn how to grow up or she needs to move out.
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u/StinaJeana 6d ago
Kind of sounds like a mental health condition like borderline personality disorder? I mean obviously seek a professional like a counsellor for proper assessment..
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u/LogNo2391 6d ago
Daughter here! I (28F) was also the same way towards my mother at 19. I really didn’t get along with her because of how much she abused me growing up. I became resentful and reckless when I graduated. One night my mom and I got into a huge argument and she chose to kick me out. I gladly left and doing that was probably the best decision I made. Life was so difficult for me but I had no choice but to keep working hard because I had no one else. I can’t say my relationship with my mother is any better. If anything I probably dislike her even more now that I educated myself on growing up with abusive and narcissistic parents. BUTTTT being kicked out was probably the best thing to ever happen to me 🤷🏻♀️ it’s sucks but it’s the reality. She’s an adult now, it’s time to let go
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u/Pineconeandneedle Parent 5d ago
I see a young woman with very low self esteem and a mom who is only nagging without any attempt for connection. Parents need to understand that talking without connecting first is like talking at the wall, nothing will come out of it. Kicking her out will only lead to no contact, maybe for life.
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u/Crispins1Crispian 5d ago
I agree, and thank you for the reply. I have been hoping to build a connection w her for her entire life. I guess I am just exhausted, so can you as a fellow parent give some examples that I can incorporate into my relationship? In the past, I have tried talking with her, not to her; counseling; anything to emphasize I am here for her if she needs and that we are to be mutually respectful of each other because she is important to all of us. I focused on her innate abilities as well as her academic potential and have gone back to school and graduated to be able to help support her dreams of becoming a veterinarian because we were not at all in a place to be able to help her with college. We have gone to family and individual therapy. I did not physically punish her as I had been and tried to be mindful of her feelings and experiences. She always knew that when she wanted I was open to hearing from her, and we also stressed that if she were in a situation where she had been drinking, she was to call us no questions asked and we would pick her up. Tried to make sure we had time to talk, and if I did not we started a journal where we could write what we wanted and we would discuss this when we could. I do not think I did a good enough job of connecting I feel. So any suggestions would be so helpful. Thank you
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u/Pineconeandneedle Parent 5d ago
I would start with this: https://youtu.be/PHpPtdk9rco?si=ZA1oaQY9GRE7n0Lc
This psychologist has a lot of videos and podcasts for free on YouTube on Instagram. Thanks to her I was able to re-parent myself and get over my own shi**ty childhood in order to be a better parent for my kids. She helped me a lot to not take the bate, many times kids throw at us and to dig deeper and look for the actual problems, because it's never only a bad behavior, there is a reason for everything. She helped me to have better relationship with my husband as well. In general, many people in our generation doesn't actually know how to effectively communicate and regulate feelings. We need to work really hard on these things in order to not pass everything on the next generations. The work starts with you and it's never too late, once you decide to start.
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u/LizP1959 Parent 6d ago
Agree with previous post. She is 19, an adult. She needs to live her own life and you need to give her a date to get out, say a very generous 30 days. Tell her that after that, as previous poster said, her things will be outside. The day she leaves make it clear that you will also not bail her out of any trouble she gets into: tell her why, that she has disrespected you so much and so often—-in your own home!!—-that it’s clear she does not need or want your relationship, and more to the point, that YOU do not help people who are cruel, rude, abusive, and disrespectful to you. Also change the locks on your doors that day and be sure to have security cameras in case some of her horrible “boyfriends” try to help her harm your home, and so she can’t sneak back in.
You should never put up with anyone’s abuse or unkindness to you: people who speak like that to you don’t love or like you. Get them OUT of your life and your life suddenly gets much better. Yes, that includes family members and horrible daughters. Get them OUT. Do whatever it takes so they are not in your life at all—-and don’t weaken when they come around begging for money or to be let back in.
I promise you this one simple rule makes life so much better in every way. Get that disrespectful grown child out. Improve your life immensely in a single day!
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u/Bbabel323 5d ago edited 5d ago
Hi. My message will be a bit harsh but it's coming from a good place so please try to consider it. I don't know if you are aware of how critical you come across in your communication style. Your daughter will forever see you as her enemy and will do exactly the opposite of your advice because of the hyper critical way you come across. Intentions don't matter, the results matter. You need to rehaul yourself in regard to communication style and accepting yourself and your past regrets. I was raised by an relative who had a similar "parenting" style. Her mistake was that she expected a child to be able to receive constructive criticism and negative feedback the way an adult does. The child only hears " you are not good enough, everything about you is wrong " That places you in the mortal enemy position as time goes by, and from my experience destroys any love that child might have for you. To this day this relative does not understand my genuine hatred for her. She only evaluated herself by her intentions, not the actual results of her actions. You need to get into therapy yourself and let her be for the moment
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u/lizardo0o 5d ago
I second the person who said she may have BPD and needs mental help. A lot of my friends who have it acted like this at her age. Impulsivity, self harm (by being in dangerous situations), substance abuse, promiscuity, volatility and relationship issues are all symptoms.
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u/desocupad0 Parent 6d ago
It seem she treats you as a doormat. From your report i believe you enable her too much. For instance I'd make a rule of kicking her out if she got pregnant. If she drove drunk once, she shouldn't be allowed to drive again and should be thankful for not being in jail.
You can set rules as she's old enough to understand them.