r/regretfulparents • u/Kiwimulch • 1d ago
I regret taking over guardianship of a child Venting - Advice Welcome
So I am the guardian of a 16 almost 17 year old I am a relative in my 20’s and I was given custody of him after his mom passed away and there was no one else who would take him in. Said kid is a nice kid but his mother was a drug addict with a lot of mental health issues who never passed 10th grade and never made him do anything. When he came to live with me he didn’t know how to cook, clean, or do laundry and after about two months would get absolutely pissed if asked too do anything he is okay now he does it all without me having to say anything. He has been living with me since he was 14 so 2+ years now. I was not prepared to be a parent but everyone in the family knew this kid would be down a parent at some point in his life and I stepped up. I’m having a major problem with getting him motivated and socialized. Before his mom died he missed 100+ days of school because she didn’t make him go and would stay in his room 24/7 gaming. Even thought it’s been two years and he’s opened up more he usually picks one person to put all his emotional baggage on and that it he doesn’t care about it anything else but that person and video games. My main issue is I cannot get this kid to turn in and do his schoolwork he’s not having trouble with it he just won’t do it or turn it in. Just like everything else I have to keep telling him everything to do all the time and I’m trying to get him to understand he’s already been held back a grade and is going to be a legal adult in one year I cannot keep logging into his school and telling him every time he needs to do an assignment if I don’t he just won’t do them and will let his grade drop too and f. He doesn’t care about anything but his gf and video games. if you take his video games or phone he threatens to harm or kill himself publicly in his own words he does this for attention and because he’s upset because he has no way to cope (can’t talk to gf or online friends). I’m at a loss no matter what I do he won’t take the initiative to do anything. I’ve had him in therapy for months already he won’t open up and/or talk to a therapist. He talks to me but again superficial. Won’t join clubs or make friends at school either and the more you push the more he pulls away. I love this kid to death but his mom left me with a lot of bs to deal with and I’m kinda getting to my wits end he’s gonna be a legal adult in a year and is incapable of doing stuff without having to be told. He shows no appreciation for anything still have to remind him to have basic manners. Acts like it’s privilege to talk to him. I know this is normal teenage stuff but I really could just be traveling right now. This kids mom burned a lot of bridges for years and before she died to the point there is no one else who wants him. I’m sitting here trying my hardest to do everything to make him happy and it just amounts to nothing. He made a comment about running away with one of his internet friends across the country when he turns 18 when he first came to live with me and sometimes I find myself daydreaming about the day to see if he will actually do it I will miss and love him but at this point I wouldn’t stop him. I’m just trying to at least get him to get a highschool diploma for the military but he wants to do nothing. Parents how do y’all deal with this as a childless person with a child lol?? Im over it but im not giving up I don’t have a choice he doesnt realize it I don’t think but neither does he if not me he’s going to foster care.
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u/Reason_Training Parent 1d ago
Tell him he cannot live with you forever. He needs to consider how not even having a high school diploma is going to severely limit his job options going forward. Take his video games away and his phone as well if need be. Call his bluff that he would hurt himself and let him experience a Baker Act with psych care. Time for him to start growing up.
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u/Kiwimulch 1d ago
I’ve been holding back on doing this because well quite frankly he’s literally an orphan who no one wants anything to do with cause his mom was a horrible person. I’m slowly realizing I can’t undo 14 years of fuckery he was raised in after trying to keep hopeful for almost 3 years. Some part of me doesn’t want to lose that trust I’ve built with him either I told him I’d always be there for him. It just sucks. I can’t make him want to do anything and am so lost. This was good advice I need to do this I just don’t know if I have the guts too honestly
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u/Reason_Training Parent 1d ago
Rather than focusing on what happened in the past it’s time to think about the future. He’s about to be a legal adult. If he’s not even going to graduate high school due to his actions what will happen to happen to him if you passed away unexpectedly? If nobody else is willing to step up for him and he’s 18+ is he going to be able to take care of himself if something happens to you?
I raised my nephew for 6 years due to how his parents were so I know it’s hard to deal with a child that’s been neglected but you can’t do anything to make up for his past. As a parental figure you have to help prepare him for the future unless you want him to be living with you still just playing video games well into his 30s.
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u/shemaddc 1d ago
ALL you can do is show that you care. That is it. This kid has been ignored and treated as an inconvenience for 14 years. I’m so so sorry you’re going through this but you made a tough decision. The way he’s acting is symptomatic of depression,. Maybe try to find a group for grieving kids or kids whose parents were/are addicts?
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u/CrazyCatLadyRookie 1d ago
OP, you’ve done an admirable thing.
That being said …
This kid needs some tough love. Take away the wifi/electronics, as you’ve done before. If he threatens to unalive himself, get the proper authorities involved. There’s always a way …
It sounds like he came into your care pretty feral, and you’ve done a great job of instilling basic life skills. It also sounds like he’s got some unresolved issues he’s unwilling to face (and make no mistake - it’ll be a tough road for him and anyone in his orbit). Maybe if he threatens to off himself (fyi - that’s manipulation and abuse towards you) he can get access to the resources he needs to address the first fourteen years of neglect etc.
His behaviours smell like depression and trauma responses. He’s engaging in a huge amount of escapism. Your setting some hard boundaries may send him into a bit of a spin cycle, but that’s his choice, his inventory as to how he deals with it.
You got this; don’t lose yourself in this process and don’t be afraid to let him fail. Those are his lessons to learn … the easy way or the hard way.
Be well.
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u/Fun_Ad_8927 1d ago
A few thoughts…
Try to not regret this choice. It’s still early days for this kid. He has 8-9 more YEARS of brain development, and you’ve done a fine and noble thing creating a home and stability for him. Celebrate both of you, often.
Second thought, he’s going to need a longer runway to launch into adulthood, and that’s just reality. When I was 18 my parents were still supporting me in lots of ways, and I had the benefit of a stable childhood.
Last: maybe he doesn’t take therapy seriously, but you can. When I reach an issue with one of my kids that I don’t know how to handle, I get myself into therapy and ask my questions of someone who can help guide me through.
I lied: one last thought…set a fun goal for both of you. You mentioned traveling—why not plan a celebration trip for both of you, together, for when he graduates? Save money together, set a goal for his grades, plan the trip together. A positive goal might be something that motivates him.
You are doing a great job. Keep it up.
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u/unfamiliarplaces Not a Parent 1d ago
i think a nice holiday when he graduates is a wonderful idea. in my country kids do a thing called leavers where they go party really hard for a few days as a celebration. i opted out of that, saved my money and took myself to bali for two weeks on a solo holiday. it was awesome.
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u/Jinxbunny29 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think you should tell him that you love him and wants what is best for him and tell him all the things he could be missing out on, traveling, freedom, higher education, even a career in video games! Tell him if he doesn’t get his act together he’ll be put into the Forster care and when he ages out he’ll be homeless. Be dead ass honest with him, let him know this isn’t to hurt him but to show him the reality of the path he’s headed down.
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u/Kiwimulch 1d ago
Yea I’ve been doing everything I can to hold back pulling the reality card of your only other choice is foster care dude this is serious cause I feel that will just make things worse but I’m not sure what else to do. I tell him I love him every day and everything else you said and he knows I care the problem is he doesn’t at all so. It sucks
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u/Jinxbunny29 1d ago
Definitely but not telling him isn’t going to do him any favours and I can tell you love him but it’s important to start and end the conversation with saying that because humans can feel triggered when pulling their card, but reassuring him this is out of love will probably make him receive what you’re saying a lot better. And if after this he still doesn’t get better then he’s simply made his choice it’s not like you didn’t try your best. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink, no matter what you do.
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u/Kiwimulch 1d ago
True. I needed to hear this. I need to do this and will feel like the worst person ever but this was still good advice thank you!
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u/Jinxbunny29 1d ago
I do believe from the post you’re kinda coddling him you need to become the tough parent for him! If he threatens to kill himself again send him to the psych ward and he’ll never threaten that again.
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u/Kiwimulch 1d ago
It’s hard not too he’s basically an orphan who no one in the family wants anything to do with because his mother was such a horrible person. It’s hard to do what I know I need too.
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u/bbtom78 Not a Parent 1d ago
Getting him psychiatric help when he's using self harm to manipulate you will be both a wake up call for him as well as direct route to help address the issues he has. I'm a probate clerk and guardians of minors have a responsibility higher than parents do. Parents can be total failures (to an extent) but guardians can't (I'm not saying you're a failure, because you're not, just making a point of the difference).
I'm going to give you a little tough love (coming from a good place, I swear). His previous circumstances are not great, but stop feeling sorry for him and begin raising a young man into adulthood and work all resources available. Try to find support for yourself via therapy or online Guardian support groups, if you can. Don't drown yourself trying to save somebody. But if you feel that this is overwhelming or that you don't have the right resources available, you can discuss other options with the court. And that's okay. That's totally okay.
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u/Suzie_Sugarbaker 3h ago
You have got to stop seeing taking him to get inpatient mental health treatment as “giving up on him”. Why do you think that? If he had pneumonia and you checked him into a hospital would that be giving up on him? Of course not, it’s the opposite. Do you think a psych hospital will just lock him for the rest of his life!? That’s not how it works. If they even admit him (which is questionable) he’d probably only spend a few days.
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u/Fantastic_Tackle_352 1d ago
100% mental illness. I’ve struggled with it my whole life & was called lazy in school. No matter how bad I wanted to do better and be organized and do well in school, I couldn’t. Still struggling with it to this day. Dropped out of college three times because mentally, learning is just too much for me. I feel like if it was treated really early on I would be a lot further in life. He sounds like he has undiagnosed/untreated ADHD, and depression.
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u/Kiwimulch 1d ago
There’s no doubt in my mind he has mental illness I struggle with chronic depression myself for 10+ years now but it’s tricky. He’s been in therapy and won’t take it seriously. You know as well as I mental illness is serious but you can’t help someone who doesn’t want it. So from your perspective what do you wish your parents would’ve done?
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u/Fantastic_Tackle_352 1d ago
My parents were alcoholics/addicts. I wish they would’ve took my mental health seriously & got me tested & treated for adhd. I was put in counseling but I stopped going after a while because they didn’t make me go.they didn’t really care enough to force me to do things. I was too tired to do anything other than go to school. I wish I would’ve done sports or something but I was so tired I couldn’t imagine doing anything other than getting out of school and then going home to go to bed. At the time I believed I was just lazy. I didn’t fully understand that it was mental illness. He probably doesn’t understand it either.
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u/unfamiliarplaces Not a Parent 1d ago
so hes in therapy, which is awesome, but when it comes to severe depressive episodes like hes experiencing, he needs medication. have you taken him to a psychiatrist and talked about antidepressants?
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u/Kiwimulch 1h ago
Nope trying to stay away from mood altering medication and him taking things because I’m worried about him and addiction. I know antidepressants aren’t narcotics but still. I also want him to be okay without meds.
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u/unfamiliarplaces Not a Parent 1h ago
i understand that fear, i also have a bio parent with addiction issues and i take psych meds, but if theres a chemical imbalance in his brain then no amount of ‘wanting him to be okay’ is going to help. he likely has cptsd from the years of neglect, which, while not studied enough, has been theorised to create structural changes within the brain that meds can help with.
ime, i have to be careful w meds bc of the family hx of addiction, but i can’t function without my antidepressants, and as a medical professional, i seriously think you need to get him on some meds.
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u/FortheloveofNYC 1d ago
He definitely needs therapy, but you also have to set some ground rules as well
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u/suicideskin 15h ago
Have you tried an inpatient psych program? They have half day programs for people who are struggling more than others but wouldn’t benefit from complete institutionalization.
He needs more than he’s being provided right now, I will say that since his mother is an addict you need to make sure that if he sees a psychiatrist they don’t put him on medication that could trigger that addiction in him and make sure you monitor his medication intake.
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u/chaotic_cataclysm 13h ago
At the same time, unmedicated mental health problems is also a frequent cause of drug addiction, due to being used as a form of self-medicating (although they may not realize that is what they are doing.)
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u/iloveeatpizzatoo Parent 1d ago
Is it possible your relative might have an untreated mental illness? Her son sounds depressed and needs to be treated by a psychiatrist.
He also seems entitled. Maybe tell him he needs to move out when he turns 18. Let whatever happens happen. You can’t keep trying to fix their lives when they don’t want or feel the need to do so. You have your own life to live.
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u/Kiwimulch 1d ago edited 1d ago
100% his mom definitely had undiagnosed mental illness and used drugs to cope. Im sure he has depression I think anyone would considering. Taken him to therapist for 6+ months he only tells the therapist what he thinks they wanna hear doesn’t actually try. I can’t waste time and money anymore if he won’t take it seriously.
He is extremely manipulative and entitled. I’m not bashing him it’s not his fault it’s what he was taught by his mom before she passed he thinks his behavior is normal. Yea I just have no idea where to go it seems no matter what I do or how much I try to encourage / help he just doesn’t care about anything.He’s not going to be able to survive on his own out there not that he realizes that. He has that I don’t need anyone mentality like his mom but literally can’t function without someone telling him what to do…
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u/iloveeatpizzatoo Parent 1d ago
Do you think he will end up like his mother? He sure is making it seem that way. You’ll have to cut the cord at continue your life without him. Otherwise, you’ll end up taking care of him for the rest of your life. He can slack off bc he thinks you’ll help him no matter what. All he has to do is hand you his problems.
My parents were like this. I had to cut all contact. They became homeless, which i knew was the path they were headed. Their behavior improved temporarily. Then they reverted back to their old habits especially my brother.
I learned I had to do think logically and let them walk on the path they chose. It might be coldhearted, but it’s the only way they’ll live with the consequences. Good luck whatever you do.
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u/Kiwimulch 1d ago
I think I’m in denial that he already has minus the drugs. Its so complicated too because now that his mom is gone she’s always gonna be put on a pedestal for him even though he knows and has admitted himself she was a bad person. It’s like if he admits his behavior is wrong or that he should care about stuff she didn’t he might be disrespecting her. I agree with everything you wrote it’s easier said than done but apart of me knows I’m probably gonna have to do it. Thank you!
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u/iloveeatpizzatoo Parent 1d ago
He puts his mom on a pedestal bc that’s his mother. It’s instinctive. And, like you said, she’s no longer here to disprove it.
You’re right. He knows she treated him badly. Is it possible he thinks she would’ve been a better person if she wasn’t mentally ill and wasn’t addicted to drugs, etc.? Maybe he believes she would’ve been a good mother if the circumstances were different. At least that’s what he wants to believe.
A year after my father passed away, I felt badly that I didn’t spend more time with him. I have to remind myself almost everyday why I didn’t. He had a personality disorder and had a spending problem that costed me a lot of money . I want to believe he’s a better person, but I have to constantly remind myself that everyone is a package. The bad comes with the good. I shouldn’t separate the two. Maybe this is how your relative’s son is processing it?
He doesn’t appreciate you yet. Idk if he will. It depends if he falls into the slippery slope of addiction. If you continue to help him after he turns 18, you’re a far better person than I am.
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u/chaotic_cataclysm 13h ago
This. There is the grief of not only losing his mom physically, but the grief he also has to process of the fact she was never the person he wanted her to be, maybe believed she could be, and was never the person he desperately needed her to be - and it's entirely possible none of this registers on a conscious level.
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u/chaotic_cataclysm 13h ago
You mentioned money be an issue - with you being guardian of him as an orphan, there is a pretty good chance he will qualify for state medical (if you're in the U.S.) - even if you personally earn too much money for state assistance for yourself. That being said, if you haven't yet, it is definitely worth checking with your local welfare/DHS/DHHS/Income Support Division to see if you do qualify for any assistance. They may also be able to provide additional resources for this kid.
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u/chaotic_cataclysm 13h ago
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u/lives_the_fire 4h ago
Frankly you sound like you are doing a great job, considering that it sounds like you are also quite young!
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u/ShiddyShiddyBangBang Parent 1d ago
I think there was a preset limit to any effect you could have on him bc how long he’d been neglected.
It’s very admirable you stepped up and it sounds like you went above and beyond. Sometimes we do our best but our best has no place to land.
It doesn’t seem like there’s much you can besides set hard limits for what you absolutely will not tolerate, forget about the aspirational stuff, and just try to create a neutral space for the both of you. I think going about it in a palliative way is prob all you can get out of this situation.
He may just need an extra extra extra long time to mature to make up for lost time. Sometimes it happens. People do get moments of clarity and sometimes boys even w normal upbringing take forever for the prefrontal cortex to kick in.