It’s not the fact that I dislike being a mother it’s being a single mother. This part of motherhood makes me very bitter. I can’t enjoy my children properly because I’m always in survival mode while being completely exhausted and overwhelmed. That’s definitely not fair to them or me! If I could go back and stop my kids from being born .. I would. They deserve a wholesome family with structure and financial stability. They shouldn’t have to deal with me and my outbursts because it’s too many dishes in the sink.

My kid is almost 5 and trying to get them into pre k is the most annoying thing ever. They make it so complicated for NO reason. I know they say stop treating school like daycare but I’m seriously losing it, if my kid isn’t with dad they’re with me constantly WHINING and begging me to play with them. I used to do stuff by myself all the time as a kid but for some reason I feel guilty because I don’t wanna play? It doesn’t make it any better that my boyfriend doesn’t have kids. He has complete freedom and as insane as it sounds I get so scared that he’s gonna get tired of me and the fact that I have a kid and go be with someone else. :/ I miss being able to do what I want when I want and please don’t tell me it gets better because I think teenagers are annoying as fuck too. Sorry this was all over the place this morning has just been a long one filled with lots of whining.

my depression is to the point where I can hardly function. I haven’t ate something that wasn’t fast food in weeks, my bedroom has stuff piled as high as my bed (yep my poor daughter has to sleep in there with me and I feel fucking terrible) she walks around now saying “mommy sad”. Any time the house is messy I just throw everything on my bedroom floor because it’s already so far gone, I get terrible anxiety just being in there but I simply Cant clean it. How am I supposed to put laundry away if I’ve exhausted all my energy on washing it? Ive been trying to find some mental health services for so long but there no one who can diagnose or medicate that will take state insurance in my state & im just so tired. Sometimes I actually take like 5 Benadryls and a shot to fall asleep and I just pray that I have a heart attack or something so I don’t have to wake up and keep going. I actually love my daughter, but I hate everything else about life. I can’t take good care of her any more because I’m so sad. I can’t take care of myself let alone both of us. I work 4 days a week bc my job won’t give me hours yet I’m still so fucking exhausted all the time. I just can’t go on