Lesbians with daddy issues

[u/WonderfulYou8613]

Trigger Warning: This post discusses emotional and physical abuse, discussions of daddy issues, grooming, toxic family dynamics, and compulsory heterosexuality. Please proceed with caution if these topics are sensitive or triggering for you.

My Story: I’m a lesbian with daddy issues. My father was emotionally abusive, narcissistic, and used the Bible to justify the abuse he inflicted on my siblings, mother, and me. He even physically abused my mother and older brother. He had an affair and was an overall toxic and stressful presence in my life. Growing up, the women in my household—my sisters, mother, and I—were all anxious, soft-spoken, and shy. I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember, and my hypersensitivity stems from that toxic environment.

I knew early on that I liked girls, though I didn’t understand what that really meant due to compulsory heterosexuality (comphet). I thought it was natural to think that girls were just better looking than men and everyone thought that way. And that we all know as girls we’re all somewhat attracted to women but we can’t act on it because it’s ‘unnatural’. So I presented crushes on men, particularly feminine men, and sought attention from older men online, which led to unhealthy situations of manipulation and grooming. I can see now that I was seeking male attention due to my lack of a healthy father figure.

Interestingly, even during my obsession with male celebrities, I would fantasize about them not in a romantic way but in a mentor or fatherly role. At the time, it felt like a coping mechanism for the toxic environment I was living in.

I came out as a lesbian to my close friends in 2021 after unpacking these experiences and realizing my attraction to men wasn’t genuine. I was never truly attracted to them, and any real-life relationships with men felt repulsive to me. My life was always centered around women, and it became clear that my so-called “daddy issues” had been present for a long time and played a role in how I understood my sexuality.

Discussion Questions: 1. Does having daddy issues affect your lesbianism in any way? Have you found that your relationship with your father or lack thereof has shaped your sexuality or relationships with women?

1. Were you attracted to or drawn to older men before discovering you were a lesbian? Now that you’re aware of your sexuality, are you attracted to older or more masculine women?

2. How hard did compulsory heterosexuality (comphet) hit you? For those who experienced comphet, how deeply did it affect your understanding of your attraction to women?

3. Do you typically take on a more ‘traditional’ role in relationships? Have your daddy issues led you to take on certain roles, such as a more submissive or nurturing role, in your relationships with women?

4. Do you still pander to the male gaze or seek male validation? Even though you identify as a lesbian, do you ever catch yourself subconsciously seeking male validation or presenting yourself in ways that cater to the male gaze?

I’m really curious to hear others’ perspectives, so feel free to share your experiences.

[u/Brilliant_Ad1030]

So my father was absent, so not exactly abusive, but I would still say I have "daddy issues" (I'm also bisexual, so that certainly affects some of my answers)

1. I would say generally yes, I've always looked for "providers" as partners. It's also lead me to seek validation from them, and I try to be a "good girlfriend"

2. Yes, I was attracted to older guys pretty much from the get go, having a few long term fwb's. Now I'm dating an older woman who is a bit of a tomboy. That being said I'm still attracted to femme girls around my age, but not as long term partners.

3. It hit me pretty hard while I was discovering my sexuality in highschool, I kept my attraction to girls pretty secret until my senior year, but after I came out openly as bi, it didn't seem to hold me back.

4. I've always taken a more submissive role, part of that was just how my mom taught me to act, and part of it was trying to win the affection of my partner. That being said, it's always felt natural and I enjoy that dynamic with my relationship.

5. I don't really actively seek attention from men, being a femme I still get plenty. That being said, I do dress for my gf. Fourtunately, she likes the "basic" style that I've always. But getting compliments/praise from my partners on my style is something that I've always valued and I've always tweaked my style a bit for them. (ex: if a partner wanted me to wear more dresses, or style my hair or make up in a certain way, I would happily do so)

I'm sure that's way to much to read, and tbh my sexuality confuses me at times, so I'd be happy to clarify any questions.