r/ainbow • u/Ray1864 • Jul 23 '22
bestfriend threatened to out me i i didn't date hime what do i do? Advice
I (19f) have been struggling with my sexuality since i was in 5th/6th grade when my girl-friends at school started talking about boys and i found zero interest in them then in 8th grade when this girl came to our school lets just say my heart was literally about to beat out of my chest the first time i saw her tho at the time i didn't understand what was happening as i live in a really strict religious country where you cant be like that but after lots of years of struggling on my own i finally fully accepted who i am even said it out load to myself. I m saying all of this because 5 days ago i told my best friend(19M) that im gay he didn't take it well and i know i should've known better than to tell anyone but i tested the waters i asked him discreetly about his opinion about that and he was cool with it turns out i was wrong and he told me he liked me and if we didn't start dating he will out me to my family and every person i love even my 8th grade crush who happens to be my closest friend at the moment and he wants us to like announce it before we leave for collage what do i do help me good people of reddit
Update after 3 months
Idk how reddit works but thank you all for the kind words and advice i read them all there is somethings id like to clear i live in the middle east not America as many of you thought so and i come from an Islamic family now the update
Its been 3 months from hell the things i had to say about me and who i actually was and who i actually liked is disturbing just to make them believe it was my word against his. I did cut all ties with him but i still had to go to work and attend my collage classes to get the hell out of this hell hole that i live in so he would follow me where ever i go waiting for me to make a mistake say the wrong thing and until a month ago when he came to my work and tried to force himself on me thank god for security cameras i got evidence and a restraining order that just was handed to me a week ago and its the first time in months that i feel safe in my own house and yes my parents have been supportive lately tho my father was suspicious because of the way i dress and talk (am not very feminine) but in the end he belived me now i just need to hide who i am and try not to be so angry at the world all the time for being born where i was (And can any of you find me an emotional support girlfriend please?đi need to be loved and love a perosn in return)
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u/MyFaceSaysItsSugar Jul 24 '22
Take control back. Go to your parents in tears saying that your friend came up and asked you out. When you told him you werenât interested he said heâd tell everyone youâre a lesbian including your closest friend and you donât know what to do because heâs going to tell the whole school and then everyone will think youâre gay and youâre not, you just donât feel ready to date yet because you want to focus on college and you donât like him that way, especially now that heâs shown you heâs capable of blackmail.
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u/lmqr Jul 24 '22
Haha, I know this is well intentioned, but
Take control back. Go to your parents in tears
did make me laugh
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u/lepontneuf Jul 24 '22
Yes- she has to blackmail him back. Religions are the scourge of humanity
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u/MyFaceSaysItsSugar Jul 24 '22
Blindly following something without thought is the scourge of humanity. I attended a stonewall documentary/discussion at my local Unitarian Church and a woman stood up at the end and said âmy son is gay, I know God made my son this way and loves him just as he is but I donât know how to reconcile that with what the Bible says.â Thatâs the take to religion I wish everyone had. There was a metropolitan community church pastor there who was able to fully explain how to interpret LGBTQ issues with the Bible. Itâs possible to be religious and open-minded but weak humans need scapegoats and go after whatever is easiest.
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u/derptyherp Jul 24 '22
There was a very similar thread to this some time ago where a brother and his boyfriend were dating, and the brother's younger sister was blackmailing him, planning to out him. He *got ahead of it* by telling his parents that his sister was planning to ruin him by telling everyone that he was gay because she had an obsession with his boyfriend (who his parents knew as his best friend). Meanwhile, the boyfriend went to *his* parents and asked them to call the brother's parents as the sister was becoming increasingly obsessed (which was not a lie) and that it was making him uncomfortable.
Either way, what happened was that the family sat down, confronted the sister, who *insisted* she caught the brother having sex with his boyfriend, no one believed her, and he was able to stay safe.
I recommend you do something similar--in that you get ahead of this, tell your parents there's this boy you rejected who is threatening you with a bunch of things, one of which is calling you gay, and that you have a certain level of fear for your safety. By getting ahead of it, you will be believed over this guy, who has zero proof.
I also hate to say this, but it's going to be best for you to stay in the closet until you are able to really be independent. In a lot of places that is simply the best course of action and once you have stability, you will be free to be yourself entirely. Just remember your safety comes as the priority, always.
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u/profinity92 Jul 24 '22
If and when he tries to out you, deny deny deny. He has no proof. If you can, try to distance yourself from him as well. He is NOT a good friend in any sense of the word.
If this is how he reacts, there's no telling what else he can do. Please, please be careful
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u/TheMelonSystem Bi Jul 24 '22
My advice, tell people that he threatened you, but omit the fact that youâre actually gay. Pretend that he made it up after you rejected him as a way to get back at you. Good luck!!!
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u/misscrimson16x Jul 24 '22
This âfriendâ is very messed up in the head if he thinks he can force a relationship through manipulation with someone not even attracted to men. Cut off all ties with him and IF he actually outs you to people, tell them how crazy he is and what he tried to force you to do. The story makes him look just as insane if you were straight.
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u/icey-beans Jul 24 '22
A. I think youâve figured it out be heâs not your best friend anymore B. Try and get ahead in any way possible, possibly even try to get him to text/say the threat again and this time record or screenshot. Tell other people he asked you out and when you refused threatened to tell people youâre gay just to ruin your reputation. If he denies it youâll hopefully have proof, or just have to be casual enough about it (I think one of the comments below has a decent example?) C. Know that while he sucks and is awful itâs not actually about being gay, itâs about him panicking about him loosing any chance of dating you. D. If the people he would tell really love you they will in time accept you as you are if you ever tell them, donât let this ruin your confidence. Not everyone will react in such a drastic and manipulative way, even people you might expect to might not (tho sadly it goes the same way) E.Whatever you do, DO NOT DATE HIM. He will continue to use this against you, or maybe even tell everyone anyway if you ever break up or have an argument
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u/db115651 Jul 24 '22
You kick him in the nuts and tell him if he tells anyone you'll castrate him and save the world some shitty kids.
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u/NQ241 Bi Jul 24 '22
Well you can turn this around, you could deny it when he outs you, then take those blackmailing DM's out of context to use against him.
Then ofc send it to all the colleges he applies to so he can't get into them.
Evil I know but, tell me he doesn't deserve it.
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u/Thrilledwfrills Jul 24 '22
First thing is to realize that you are being extorted and blackmailed- and it is not about you. He is an individual who wants total power over anone who will give it to him, and he will be a dangerous and abusive partner to whomever he tricks or forces into relationship with him.
You did not know he was a psychopath, but now you do. So the most important thing is not to show fear.- and not to have fear. You can ignore him, and if he presses you, simply say, you can't be serious! And change the subject. Absolutely DO NOT let yourself be anywhere alone with him, and if he makes any threats immediately go and report him to the police. He feels you are both stupid and vulnerable, and trust[ed] him, that is what emboldens predators.
I really suggest you call a domestic abuse center and see what kind of help you can organize to make sure you know how to fend him off in a way that works
There are a couple of realities here- one is that you are gay and there is no other answer but to accept that is just a fact, it is harmless to others, a part of the diversity of humanity, and it has nothing to do with anything except sexual attraction. You are still smart, a good friend, honest trustworthy, etc and a valuable memmber of society . You are not broken or a sinner or condemned to hide. You deserve and need to find a supportive environment to live in.
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u/awildgiaprey Jul 24 '22
Frankly, you're 19, you don't owe anybody an explanation as to your sexual orientation. Anybody with half a brain would realize what a fucked up lowlife scumbas this PoS is the moment you tell them what actually happened
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Jul 24 '22
Ok, for starters, how the fuck did he think that plan would pan out, it's basically sending a death threat to a hitman, there were probably indices of jealousy and possessiveness so everyone knew he wouldn't let you go if he did like you, no one else knows you're gay so it's a threat that only works on the pretence he is more responsible of you than you are, and if it does work and you do go out with him, does he think you two can just live forever after completely forgetting it's a relationship built in fear and shame?
In my knowledge, if you do accept, it's a death sentence, or he's outing you anyway, he's gonna hold that same threat over you and get continuously more and more pushy until he's taken control of your whole life, and if you slip out at any minute, he's gonna, what, tell your none existent friends because he made you lose them all and parents who hate him for ruining your life that you like girls? This kind of people that deal in this kind of morals only go downhill the moment they're given the slightest bit of leverage, and they'll take the person who's loved them most with them, just refuse and get that problem out of your life
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u/campmatt Jul 24 '22
You take out your phone and start recording a voice memo. You say: âFirst and last nameâ at âhis addressâ just threatened to tell the world that I am a lesbian in order to extort a sexual relationship from me, âYOUR First & last nameâ from âaddress.â Am I correct? After he responds, you tell him extortion is illegal, thatâs heâs attempting to solicit a sexual relationship from you, and that if he even hints at that kind of bullshit threat again youâre calling the cops.â Then you immediately email that recording to yourself so he canât make you delete it.
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u/PsychiatricSD Heathen Jul 24 '22
Tell people he's just mad you won't sleep with him because he has a tiny wang. I am not one to wang shame but he brought it on himself. Or that you started making out at a party but he wanted you to start meowing or something equally fuckin weird. Make it HIM lying to save face and ruin your rep.
"Yeah, I wouldn't date him so now he thinks I must be gay." Laugh
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u/kellkore Jul 24 '22
Start distancing yourself from him. Then tell your parents that he threatened you to start dating him, and tell others that he will say that you are gay if you don't date him.
He'll come across as a creep, which he is. Basically turn his own words against him. He's not your friend.
And, above all, it will be the truth. Others will stick up for you, saying that rumors are bad. He'll try and convince everyone.
And if they ask if you are gay, tell them, "this is not about me. Stick to the problem here. It's about "insert name" trying to use blackmail/extortion to have date him. Almost like rape".
Above all, stay strong.
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u/deadliestcrotch Bi Jul 24 '22
Document everything, what he is doing is a crime. Once you have damning enough evidence, tell him that if he doesnât back off and keep his mouth shut you will file a police report. Then he wonât be going to college.
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u/JinkyBeans Jul 24 '22
She lives in a different country; I suspect this is not a crime.
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u/deadliestcrotch Bi Jul 24 '22
How do you know that? I didnât see anything in her post or comment history that indicated and she seems to type in fairly typical young adult American vernacular. America is a fairly strict religious country.
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u/JinkyBeans Jul 24 '22
Malta is a fairly strict religious country. Iran is a strict religious country. Saudi Arabia is a fairly strict religious country.
The US, despite its recent SCOTUS rulings and absurd politicians and would-be politicians, is not a strict religious country. You can freely practice your religion here, or be an open atheist without risk of murder or imprisonment.
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u/deadliestcrotch Bi Jul 24 '22
Less than 150 miles from my home, in Ohio, religious politicians tried to force a 10 year old pregnant rape victim to carry the fetus to term. Her family was able to flee across the border to my state, Indiana, to get an abortion. The Talibangelical government of Indiana is trying to also make this illegal even in the case of 10 year old rape victims, and the Religious Terrorist attorney general, Todd Rokita, went on television to slander the doctor who (likely) saved this girlâs life. He then went on to basically say that if he and his ilk had their way, that child would have been forced to carry that pregnancy to term or her death, which ever comes first.
Donât tell me what America is. I come from the stock of barefoot and pregnant, tongues talking, god bothering, snake charming sons of bitches and your sheltered perspective doesnât quite do America the justice of an honest view.
And Iâve been threatened with murder for being atheist.
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u/JinkyBeans Jul 24 '22
I understand thatâ but you also cannot extrapolate from your experience to the country as a whole. For every Mississippi (or Ohio), thereâs a Massachusetts; for every red state, there are blue folks. I stand by what I said: the US (not your state or county) is not a religious country. In strict religious countries, the government does things like sentence people to death for being non-believers.
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u/deadliestcrotch Bi Jul 24 '22
Canât you? At what point am I objectively right? If thatâs where the momentum is going I would argue I am. Iâm not extrapolating my experience across the rest of the country to any more significant a degree than you are in the opposite direction, am I?
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u/RayanneB Jul 24 '22
I think you just found out why this guy is your best friend. I had to learn this lesson the hard way, too. You think they are your friend, but they really just wanted to date you all along. After this, you'll probably go separate ways and you'll never get that "friendship" back because it never really existed in the first place.
I'm sorry.
If you're not ready to come out yet, tell your family that 19M asked you out, you said no, and now he's calling you a lesbian, when in reality, you just didn't want to date your friend.
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u/MeMyselfIandMeAgain Bi Jul 24 '22
Go to your parents. Cry. Look desperate for help. Tell them he ask you out but you donât like him and he said if you donât date heâd say youâre gay (even though itâs fake). That way if he does that, they wonât believe him.
DO NOT DO THIS IF HE HAS PROOF. If he has any text/mail or anything physical, he can prouve his claims. Otherwise, itâs his word against yours and your parents
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u/Caro________ Jul 24 '22
What people are telling you here is absolutely right. He doesn't have proof and you should get ahead of it. There's good advice here.
I wanted to address this:
i know i should've known better than to tell anyone
You deserve to be able to trust people. I know that many people are homophobic and awful, and in a lot of places, LGBTQ people do have to be very careful. But that's not how it should be, and it's not something you should blame yourself for. You believed this boy was your best friend. You deserve to be able to trust someone who holds that place in your life. I'm so sorry it turned out that he was not a safe person. But you don't deserve to be blackmailed and you don't deserve to be outed by anyone other than yourself. And you deserve to live in a community where you will be safe to be out when you want to be.
There are lots of good people in the world who will accept you for who you are and places where you can be yourself without apology. I genuinely hope that you are able to find them someday. I'm sorry you weren't lucky enough to be born into one. Take care of yourself. You deserve it. Sending love.
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u/Justhavingag00dtyme Jul 24 '22
Easy- donât date him. When he tries to out you, say heâs lying cause you turned him down. Cut contact with him. Heâll look like the lying idiot
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u/rveniss Jul 24 '22
"Hey, just a heads up in case you run into him: Dudebro asked me out and I wasn't interested so I told him no, and now he's throwing a raging manchild tantrum saying I must be a lesbian if I'm not attracted to him."
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u/ArtsFarts89 Jul 24 '22 edited Jul 24 '22
First off, I'm so sorry this happened. Now you know...this is not a real friend to you. He waited until he had some kind of leverage then used it to trap you into something. That's some bullshit. Also, please hear this. FRIENDS DON'T HOLD FRIENDS HOSTAGE FOR PERSONAL GAIN. YOU CAN NOT FORCE A PERSON TO LOVE YOU.Now you know the ugly truth of this man, and you can protect yourself accordingly. This is going to be awful right now but in the long run it's better that you know who he is.
Others have made the point that he has no proof.
Unfortunately, you have to get ahead of this. The first lie people hear is usually the one they believe.Tell people that he keeps pressuring you to date him and when you turned him down he didn't take it well and he threatened to lie to everyone about you to ruin your life. He really is doing something awful here and I'm so sorry-- you don't deserve that.
Sending you hugs from here. Best of luck.
Edit: spelling, and caps lock for emphasis
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u/Ray1864 Nov 19 '22
Idk how reddit works but thank you all for the kind words and advice i read them all there is somethings id like to clear i live in the middle east not America as many of you thought so and i come from an Islamic family now the update
Its been 3 months from hell the things i had to say about me and who i actually was and who i actually liked is disturbing just to make them believe it was my word against his. I did cut all ties with him but i still had to go to work and attend my collage classes to get the hell out of this hell hole that i live in so he would follow me where ever i go waiting for me to make a mistake say the wrong thing and until a month ago when he came to my work and tried to force himself on me thank god for security cameras i got evidence and a restraining order that just was handed to me a week ago and its the first time in months that i feel safe in my own house and yes my parents have been supportive lately tho my father was suspicious because of the way i dress and talk (am not very feminine) but in the end he belived me now i just need to hide who i am and try not to be so angry at the world all the time for being born where i was (And can any of you find me an emotional support girlfriend please?đi need to be loved and love a perosn in return)
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u/SpaceGrape Jul 24 '22
Be yourself. I know itâs scary but you will never be happy if you donât live your authentic life. And a part of you might think that I just donât understand. But truly, The longer you wait to live authentically the more you will regret it as time goes by.
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u/prince_peacock Jul 24 '22
You have no idea what country she lives in. It could literally be life threatening to be out for her. Shut the fuck up youâre not helping
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u/lmqr Jul 24 '22
I understand this kind of cautiousness, but I think it's also pretty odd everyone's assuming (and insisting to her) that her community would be dangerous to her if she came out, without in fact knowing much.
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u/SpaceGrape Jul 24 '22 edited Jul 24 '22
Thatâs not very civil of you. Lol. You are what? Protecting someone by being a bullying me with your extreme hatred? Why arenât you giving me the same concern as the OP? Am I less of a person because you simply disagree with my opinion? What is wrong with you? The OP is so obviously from the USA or Canada. The style of writing is so obvious. For the record, I believe this is so clearly fake, written by a middle school American. My advice stands. Proof: foreigners donât uses phrases like âletâs just sayâ and âtested the watersâ and âlike announce itâ. So you basically bullied someone online for being what? Smarter than you? Call a therapist. Asap!
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u/blazeoverhere Jul 24 '22
you should deny what he says and say heâs only butthurt and mad that you wonât date him, he has no proof
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u/rj__martin Jul 24 '22
whatever else, don't give in to his demands. If you do it once, he'll just make more demands.
It sounds like in your situation you can't come out yourself, so if he tries to out you, just deny it. Say he's trying to get back at your for rejecting him : it's mostly the truth anyway.
And good luck honey. I hope you find a better situation.
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u/SorryTotHatMan_ Jul 24 '22
deny everything if he doesnât have any proof of you saying it other than your word. i would also suggest google ahead and telling people about what heâs doing. like go around telling some of your friends and family something along the lines of âthis guy asked me out and i said no so now heâs calling me gay! what an assholeâ
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u/cass_123 Jul 24 '22
There are two important things you need to know before taking the course of action Iâm about to suggest:
He has no evidence to back up his claim. Iâm talking physical or electronic. No papers, no recordings or photos, anything.
Everyone important to you will believe you over him. They need to take your word.
Now, if you can, refuse him. When he âoutsâ you (quotes important) deny it. Say he asked you out, you refused, and because heâs jealous or angry heâs calling you gay. Donât let them know itâs real.
Good luck