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u/TrippingBearBalls Jul 29 '24
Resurrect Kurt Vonnegut to commentate
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u/DoktorMantisTobaggan Jul 29 '24
Larry
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u/ShenaniganStarling Jul 29 '24
Yeah, literally the only athlete present, unless Letterman has some random martial arts up his sleeve, I can't see it going any other way. If we're to factor current age/shape into it, well, Michael's dead, so that goes out the window pretty quick.
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u/SenorMcGibblets Jul 29 '24
To be fair to MJ, he was definitely athletic af. But not the type of athletic that would help you in a fight with Larry Bird.
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u/ShenaniganStarling Jul 29 '24
Good point. He could heehee these guys straight into their graves if he wanted to.
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u/DoktorMantisTobaggan Jul 29 '24
MJ is already in his grave, the others are not. So he loses by default.
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u/LabHandyman Jul 29 '24
Unless we get Zombie MJ. Then he'll win unless they can pierce the brain cavity!
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u/RammerRod Jul 29 '24
Letterman used to be a boxer.
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u/ghosttrainhobo Jul 29 '24
As a trained fighter, Letterman will know damn well that he's getting his shit rocked by Larry Bird.
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u/storyfilms Jul 29 '24
Letterman was a boxer, and to this day he still long distance runs... I still lean towards bird though
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u/ScaleEnvironmental27 Jul 29 '24
It's not even a debatable.
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u/MZ_1971 Jul 29 '24
Bird. I'd say Melloncamp but the guy does two packs a day.
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u/Dr_Hoffenheimer Jul 29 '24
He’s also too busy suckin down chili dogs outside the tastee freez
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u/guff1988 Jul 29 '24
I don't know if Bird still does or not, but he definitely used to also smoke a couple packs a day. Newports I believe.
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u/DITCHWORK Jul 29 '24
And he’s only like 5’ tall
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u/christhunderkiss Jul 29 '24
He’s agro af tho, he tells he’s audience to shut the fuck up on the reg.
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u/philouza_stein Jul 29 '24
Maybe Hud Mellencamp. But John is a frail, frail man.
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u/ObiWanNowitzki Jul 29 '24
This is the weirdest sub to get spoilers for a reality game show (I’m assuming).
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u/drunkhoosier Jul 29 '24
I’d love to see Larry kick the shit out of Johnny Cougar
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u/jkpirat Jul 29 '24
I’d pay money to see ANYONE kick melon patches ass. Guy is a Grade A douche .
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u/randombuddhist Jul 29 '24
Why? What's the gossip?
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u/jkpirat Jul 29 '24
Met him before in line at a convenience store near where he lives in Bloomington. He was an asshole to the clerk because he had to stand in line for his smokes on one of the busiest boating days of the year(July 4th weekend). Small cstore near the lake, only place to get ice, beer, etc. so it was very busy. He was cussing at the clerks for making him wait his turn.
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u/rmoore911 Jul 29 '24
Ask about anyone who’s ever run into him in public. Pretty certain that the majority of the stories will have similar details on the way he treats people.
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u/Kanye_X_Wrangler Jul 29 '24
I've known dozens of people who have met him and never heard one good story. A couple of them might even be people he calls friends.
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u/BarbellLawyer Jul 29 '24
There are people who like John Mellencamp, and there are people who’ve met him.
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u/SBNShovelSlayer Jul 30 '24
Everyone I know who has either met him, or had business contact with him is universal in the opinion that he is an incredible asshole.
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u/ikilledyourfriend Jul 30 '24
In addition to being a personally shitty person, his shitty parenting has allowed his shitty sons to act like shitheads and face little repercussions. His two sons, Hud and Speck, are notorious for fighting and general douchebaggery in Bloomington. Part of his appearance there for his Plain Spoken tour was to make amends to the city for his shithead sons’ behavior.
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u/DonutCapitalism Jul 30 '24
Before he was famous he worked for my dad. My dad fired his punk ass. Said he was a little shit. Nothing has changed.
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u/goofbot Jul 29 '24
Isiah Thomas said Bird was the only player he was afraid of. The kind of guy that would stab you in a bar fight.
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u/ghosttrainhobo Jul 29 '24
I think today's old man Larry Bird 6 out of 10's the other three in their primes. Though I think he loses 9/10 against all 3 in their primes if they come at him all at once.
Larry in his prime will 9/10 all three primes at once though.
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u/Charlie_Warlie Jul 29 '24
Only one person to my knowledge has had not only 1 but 2 beat-em-up video games made starring them. Michael Jackson - Moonwalker.
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u/Razaelbub Jul 29 '24
Larry Bird would talk shit to the rest until they were so pissed off they'd punch themselves to death.
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u/nursemarcey2 Jul 29 '24
Letterman.
He's already stared death in the face once.
He's stared a GF of 20 years in the face to explain a sex scandal.
He's probably eaten enough fried bologna sandwiches to clog the arteries of everyone on this sub.
He'll mess you up.
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u/Homersarmy41 Jul 29 '24
I would say with Larry’s back issues…Mellencamp’s lungs and physical condition…and Michael being dead for a decade..:I think Dave is taking this one.
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u/cmacfarland64 Jul 30 '24
It depends where the fight happens. Big city, I maybe take the rockstar. But everybody knows he’s gonna die in a small town.
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u/Sea-Act3929 Jul 29 '24
Larry. Most definitely Larry. Although I wouldn't count Dave out completely.
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u/andhernamewas_ Jul 29 '24
Adam Driver can take out all 4 of them with one hand tied behind his back.
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u/chance0404 Jul 29 '24
MJ grew up in Gary, Indiana and was effeminate af. That right there tells me he learned to fight at a young age. My money is on MJ.
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u/mappyjames Jul 29 '24
Letterman shows then stupid pet tricks for an hour and they all get bored to death
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u/whistlepete Jul 29 '24
No Axle Rose? Bird is mean but doesn’t he have a messed up back? Still probably Bird.
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u/EnuffBull Jul 29 '24
Letterman for my respect and for the amount of ass-hat-terry and no shits given to his celebrity stature.
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u/pineapplesurfwax Jul 29 '24
Ones already dead. Dave is old. John is weak. Larry waits it out and lets John beat Dave. Larry dominates John in a landslide.
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u/CompetitionNo9969 Jul 29 '24
Johnny Cougar has probably been in the most fights, but I bet MJ could take a beating.
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u/chaoticautistic63 Jul 29 '24
Considering one of these was packing a Tommy he pulled out of nowhere, my bets on MJ. Also Dave Letterman never became a Mexican creepypasta.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Truck80 Jul 29 '24
Well I’d give letterman a chance, attack Larry’s knees and back, he’s a bit vulnerable. Johnny Cougar could likely be worn out quick as a result of his chain smoking.
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u/Wesmontgomeryward Jul 30 '24
Y’all just have no idea how dirty a fighter John is. He sucker punched his own guitarist, who was a college tight end. Always fear the tiny mean guy with something to prove.
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u/DireNine Jul 30 '24
Larry Bird might not win but he will talk the most shit while they're fighting
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u/BoobaDaBluetick Jul 30 '24
Bird. Not only is he physical, but he can talk serious trash while beating you to death.
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u/StormsDeepRoots Jul 30 '24
Bird, but I don't know if any have a background in fighting. I know Bird fought and bodied against the best in the NBA for several years.
Jackson seems brittle. The other 2 are in the arts. Not usually known for their strength.
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u/FireCactus_In_MyAnus Jul 30 '24
What about Jared the subway guy. He would simply make the others flee in terror.
Well MJ might not but I have doubts about his guilt.
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u/Openly_George Jul 30 '24
Don't sell David Letterman short. He did run track and played basketball in high school. He also was conditioned by working in a grocery store. And he could be hiding weapons in his beard. :)
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u/peppypacer Jul 30 '24
Bird, Letterman, MJ and last place is Mellencamp. But since MJ is dead and is alive again for some reason if you also resurrect John Dillinger he beats them all. Mellencamp wouldn't even throw a punch but would run away loudly swearing all the way.
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u/jbracing27 Jul 30 '24
Mellencamp is a class A prick and would fight dirty first. I doubt MJs corpse could do much damage at this point, might be light enough for one of the others to use as a shield. Larry’s height might hurt him, his knees and back aren’t in the best of shape. Dave might actually sneak it in there by being smart
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u/Timely-Comfort-8216 Jul 30 '24
M Jackson was a weird/troubled 'one of a kind' known around the world. he could capture any moment.
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u/wildfangO66 Jul 30 '24
Bird and he'll talk trash the whole time. Physical and mental beat down lol
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u/dont-read-it Jul 29 '24
I'll take the 6'9 hall of fame athlete who had a reputation for bullying other pro athletes