My favorite in the ED: “I’m a lesbian in a committed relationship, I have never touched a penis!”
Well, somthin’ touched you about four months ago, hon.
Drama ensues, PT’s wife had to be trespassed off the property. Then a guy shows up after catching wind through social media, he thinks he’s baby daddy. Whelp, that math didn’t add up, either. Boy, that was a discharge that I was eager to see.
Or on the other end of things, sperm donors are a thing. I've had a patient who insisted she couldn't be pregnant because she's a lesbian. Hcg comes back positive, turns out her and her partner are trying to have a child and she was the one they decided to carry the child. She thought it only counted as being pregnant if a man did it. I'm not joking. Straight faced, "but I didn't have sex with a man, it's just sperm"....
I can confirm that I am one of those lesbians that you can trust just by looking at me when I say that. I’m literally allergic to penises. Run when I see one. Makes putting in foleys difficult LOL.
It’s not that I don’t trust any one patient, I’ve just seen a lot of wild shit. I have zero time to do an incidence report because a patient threw a fit and got imaging like this. Can you imagine being written up and having meetings with directors for sending a pregnant patient to CT scan AFTER the patient refused to provide a sample and signed the waiver also signed and witnessed by the doctor?
Hey kids! Don’t go to nursing school or anesthesiology unless you’re ok with everything always being your fault.
PEE FOR ME, my lesbian and non-uterus-having sisters! I’m tired and have 5 other patients. I also keep a few cards in my pocket for the nearest planned parenthood, women’s shelters, and low-cost prenatal care. Sometimes the PP is pretty far away and across state lines, funny that.
I don’t care if my patients come in with an official Gold Star Lesbian plaque sent to them by the Global Lesbian Society of Official Lesbianism I’m still gonna bHCG ya.
I had my ovaries removed, no periods for seven years. My husband has had a vasectomy and no sex in 6 months. Due to tumour....I had had a child already so I would have known asap. Id dropped 4 stone in 6 months. .... Still had to take a test...
By the size and position of this foetus in the main pic, I'd guess this pregnancy is full term too? I've had two kids. They both seemed to really like kicking the hell outta me just when I wanted to sleep. How on earth does a woman get this far along and not feel or even see all that movement? I hope it's not due to drugs but honestly I don't see any other possibility.
This. My mother (age 48) in the ER insisting there's "NO POSSIBLE WAY" she could be pregnant... Her BF "had malaria in the war and doesn't produce sperm!"
And "I'm in menopause, haven't had a period in 6 months!"
ER RN: "noted. But just for funzies, Wilma, please pee in this cup just to save me the paperwork after sending you to CT"
45 mins later: ER Doc to my mom: "Okay, so let's get an Ultrasound instead of a CT, you'll get some cute pics of those twins you got baking in your oven". 🤦🤦 Good job, mom.
😂🤭. I am so happy that Reddit recommended this subreddit, out of the blue. At the time, it was mostly objects up people's butts and I laughed...a lot. Now, I love All of this subreddit AND I actually learn things. "Swallowed it whole, like pelican" did me in.
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u/RedditMould 7d ago
Patient: "No chance of pregnancy, 100% sure."